This is a namely non-canon series based on The Angry Video Game Nerd and Pat the NES Punk, along with several video game review shows, made soley for entertainment purposes.
Zelda, Maya, and Lucy--three sisters that gather every so often to play video games at Zelda's place. Here, they have showed us their crazy antics. They'll play & review some games, consoles, and gaming accessories. Some will be good, some will be bad, but none will be safe from three of Tikal's harmless daughters!
- Zelda the Echidna - daughter of Mephiles and Tikal and primary main character. She is a massive geek that has tech stuff and comics from all across the world and time, including nearly every video game console and game to exist.
- Maya the Echidna - the peaceful daughter of Tikal and the one that normally plays most of the games. Maya takes fascination in most of the things Zelda has in her home.
- Lucy the Echidnahog - daughter of Sonic and Tikal who normally just comments on the games and doesn't normally play as often as her sisters. She loves them both very much, but has a love-hate relationship with R.O.B.
- R.O.B. (short for Robotic Operating Buddy) - an NES accesory that plays two games: Gyromite and Stack-Up. This one is a live one that talks, shoots weak lasers from his eyes, and also does some other work and helpfulness to the girls.
Episode 21: Zelda CD-i Games (COMPLETED!)
Zelda: I can't believe we're gonna do this....
Lucy: Why's that?
Zelda: Last episode we talked about the Legend of Zelda timeline. Now we're gonna look at three games not in the timeline at all.
Lucy: Really?Zelda: That's right.....The Zelda CD-i games.
Maya: What the hell is a CD-i?
Zelda: So glad you asked! Well, Nintendo back in the day was in partnership with Sony to make a CD-based add-on for the Super Nintendo. After all, the Sega Genesis and AtariJaguar had one, so why not Nintendo? However, Sony wanted the full rights to the games and the add-on software. Nintendo didn't feel like sharing the profits so under Sony's nose, they struck a deal with Philips, Sony's major rival. However, politics and egos reared their ugly heads in, so the add-on was dropped, though both Sony and Philips still went along with the CD systems as their own separate consoles. Sony made the Playstation, and Philips made the CD-i!
Lucy: Well, isn't that lovely?
Maya: Ah, I remember that. Most of the games were educational and it was mostly marketed as a multi-media system that happened to play games. Which is why it flopped.
Lucy: Not worthy competition for the other consoles of the day... Marketing failure.
Zelda: Now in addition. Philips had permission from Nintendo to utilize the Nintendo franchises for their system. Now what we got was some Mario and Zelda games, all notorious for their hilarious cutscenes and voice-acting, and awful gameplay!
Lucy: ...How bad can this get?
Zelda: You have no idea. But first, let's take a look at the system itself.
Lucy: -notices many different consoles-...Systems?
Zelda: Yeah, with different controllers.
Lucy: ...What the heck? Um...okay...
Zelda: One manjor issue why they had so much trouble with this is they whored this thing out to so many other companies.
Maya: Yeah, the full name of the console is the Philips Magnavox Goldstar LG DVS Memorex Grundig Sony Kyocera NBS High Screen Bang & Olupsen CD-i.
Lucy: Uhh...I think I'll just stick with calling it the CD-i.
Maya: Or we could just take the first letter of each company and call it the PMGLGDVSMGSKNIPHSBO CD-i.
Zelda:.....That sounds like your mouth took a shit. Then again, you may as well take a shit when playing this system.
Lucy: Why's that? Can't be that bad, this is Phillips, a relatively well-known company like Sony. How bad can this possibly be?Zelda: Only a small number of games were noteworthy, but before that, let's talk about the controllers.
Lucy: Uh...so there's a remote...a spoon...what is this? Living room parody?
Zelda: The default controller is a wireless remote control. Because the system wasn't totally made as a serious gaming system, this is no doubt the worst ever. The buttons are too close and your finger keeps slipping off. Another one of these has a two-inch joystick on top of the D-Pad.
Maya: Looks more like a penis or nipple. I don't know if I was supposed to play it or suck it.
Zelda: Well it does suck to play it.
Lucy: -facepalms- Do you have some ability to relate everything to having sex with your boyfriend or something? Seriously!
Maya: (blushes) I-I didn't---SH-SH-SHUT UP!!!
Lucy: Guess so...you practically do it on command.
Zelda: Alright if you two are done talking about your sex lives--(looks at Lucy) Or lack thereof--let's talk about these games. The first two of the fan-dubbed Unholy Triforce are Link: The Faces of Evil and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon. They're both very similar, so we'll talk about them simultaneously.
Lucy: -mumbling- At least I still have my modesty and virginity...
Zelda: (ignores her) Now both games were released the same day so again, we'll cover them both.
(the girls hook up two CD-i models to two TV's and put both games in both systems; Maya plays Faces of Evil, while Lucy plays Wand of Gamelon)
Lucy: Oh, it's Zelda II, side-scrolling stuff.Zelda: The first bad thing about these games are these infamously bad cutscenes....just watch.
Link: Gee....it sure is boring around here.
King: Mah boi! This peace is what all true warriors strive for!
Lucy: ...I know I'm not a grammar Nazi...but...that does't make sense...
Maya: So bad it's funny!
Lucy: Yeah...Maya: Well, the game doesn't seem so bad at first....but that's all gonna change once you see how bad the controls are!
Lucy: -tries to pick up Rupees- ...The heck? I can't just pick it up?
Zelda: That's right, the Rupees--or Rubies as they're called here--can't be simply picked up. You have to hit 'em with your sword! Worst part is you need to pick them up, because you need them to use items as well as buy them!
Maya: And Faces of Evil have new weapons like Fire Stones and Snowballs, which are neccessary in some portions of the game!
Lucy: The heck?! And you need to drop your cash to use your items? You don't lose money just for using a flash drive! That's stupid!Maya: Speaking of the items, let's talk about one of our biggest piss-offs about these games: the darkness!
Lucy: Darkness?! -finds a room that's completely black- Oh crap, I can't see where I'm going-- -falls into a crevice and dies- WHAT THE HECK?! How was I supposed to know there's a pit right there?!
Zelda: You need the lantern to light the dark places, but it happens too often in this game! But it only lasts a few seconds unless you get a stronger lantern!
Maya: Here's the best part: regardless of the controller, the CD-i games seem to only utilize two buttons. To jump, you press up on the d-pad. The first button is using the sword and talking to people, the second button is to use items, go through doors, and bring up the inventory screen! It's an absolute mess that causes nothing but problems!
Lucy: ...That's too many functions on one button. There's more than two buttons on these controllers, is it too hard to use more than two buttons?!
Zelda: You're asking a question regarding the company that made one of--if not the--worst gaming consoles of all time?
Lucy: ...Yes, yes I am.
Maya: It gets worse. You need to be standing to use your items, you need to be crouching to get the inventory screen....it's the only way you pause the game too. But when you're near a door and press the button you go through the door, no matter whether you're standing or not!
Lucy: I figured that one out... I can't tell what's a door and what's just part of the scenery...
Zelda: It's even harder to fugure out what or where to jump to.
Maya: (trying jump to a certain crevice) C'mon, Link! Get up there! Get up there. ya asshole!
Lucy: I can't jump down... -lowers a level by walking to the side- Oh, I have to walk side to side to get down...okay...
Maya: These controls are terrible!
Lucy: I know, right? It's awful!
Maya: it's also very difficult to hit enemies with your sword and there's very little recovery time!
Lucy: Everything's below my range of attack, I can't just duck and attack at the same time, nooo, that'd make the game too easy apparently!
Mayor: This is illegal, you know!
Lucy: ...The heck? You're worried about illegality when Ganon wants to rip your face off? Not my problem.
Zelda: Sometimes, when you're fighting enemies, you end up stabbing the NPC's and making them talk!
Lucy: -makes a wizard talk- Shut up, you old geezer! I'm trying to stab that turtle!
Omfak: Whatever I see, I shall devour! (zaps a bird, burns it into a chicken, then eats it with large lips) mmmm....
Maya: .______. (drinks Monster) I have got to stop saying yes to Drake all the time at Club Rouge.....
Lucy: You realize that now?
Zelda: As hard as the enemies are to kill, the bosses are retardedly easy!
Lucy: -kills a boss with little to no effort- ...You gotta be kidding me. I went through a horror of a level, for this?! I am not satisfied.
Hectan: (stabbed in a single shot) YOU'VE KILLLED MEEEEEEE!!!! (melts)
Princess Zelda: Good!
(all thw girls look at each other and then laugh hysterically)
Zelda: God, this is awful!
Lucy: The terrible art really pulls this off.
Maya: No shit!
Lucy: Well, time for more Rubies...
Maya: Another thing I hate is how much stuff you need to get. Sometimes, you need some lantern oil, bombs, or ropes to progress, but you'll need to stock big on rupees and items. And once you run out, you're fucked and ya gotta restock on rupees and head back to the store!
Lucy: Like what I'm doing... Ugh, this is so tedious!
Zelda: I know right?
Lucy: And hope that you'll actually get past the level without dying, and wasting all of the resources you work so hard to accumulate...
Zelda: Well let's at least get to Ganon and finish these games.
Ganon: You must DIE!
Maya:....(drinks up her Monster)
Lucy: ... Uh, how about, no? -throws a wand at him, and Ganon dies instantly- ...What?
Ganon: The chains! NOOOO!!!
Maya: (throws a book at him) Wow......
Ganon! NOO! Not into the pit, it BURNS!!!!
Lucy: ...I am not satisfied.
Zelda: Even after you kill Ganon, shit still falls on you. How cheap is that?
Lucy: Oh, crap. Thanks for warning me. I thought that was the end of it.
Zelda: Now to rescue the others....
Maya: C'mon Zelda, wake up!
Lucy: Hey, Princess, get your *ss up! Your carriage is waiting, your Stupidness.
Maya:....Oh, I get it! I gotta hit the gong!
Link: (hits the gong)
Princess Zelda: (yawns) What was that about?
Link: I just saved you from Ganon!
Zelda: For the 99th fuckin' time.
Link: I won!
Lucy: ...This is not satisfying. NEXT!
Fari: There is the traitor, your majesty!
Onkled: Please! Your Omnipotence! Have mercy!
King: After you've scrubbed all the floors in Hyrule, then we can talk about mercy!
Zelda: (trying not to laugh)
Link: (appeared out of Lady Alma's smashed mirror) What happened?
Princess Zelda: (giggles) Nothing, Link. We were just about to have a feast.
Zelda: Wait....how did Link get in that mirror? Did Alma seduce him cuz she's a whore? And why doesn't Zelda ask or question any of this?!
Lucy: Uhhh... Don't wanna know.
Zelda: Well, let's look at the last of the Zelda CD-i games: Zelda's Adventure.
Lucy: Hope that isn't as bad as these twin turds...
Zelda: This game is very rare and vastly different from the two we just played. For starters, it's an overhead view, making it more similar to the original Zelda and has live action FMV and voice acting.....which sucks, but it's better than this.
King: MAH BOI!
Maya: Once again, princess Zelda's playable, trying to rescue Link from...."Gannon?" GANNON?!
Lucy: ...Doubled "n"s?
Zelda: The first problems you encounter are the long transitions from screen-to-screen. It takes like 5 seconds!
Lucy: ...That's when you take a drink.
Maya: (drinks up)
Zelda: As for the gameplay, it's actually pretty good. Ya have a wand that ya knock enemies with. Ya go through dungeons and collect some relic stones, which are like pieces of the Triforce.
Maya: Ya also get to collect hearts and rupees much easier. Ya just walk over them, simple as that.
Lucy: Yay, why couldn't those other games do that?
Zelda: Well it was released a year after the other two and late in the console's lifespan. In fact, not many people have actually played this game.
Lucy: That makes sense...
Maya: Another problem is that you always gotta select everything from the menu. Even your money!
Lucy: Ew, ew, ew! Clunky controls!
Zelda: In other Zelda games, once you have a ladder you just walk over pitfalls and water and that's it. But not here, ya gotta select the thing!
Lucy: Ew! That's annoying.
Maya: And the treasure chests.....it talks to you when ya try opening it.
Zelda: Oh god....and there's not that much music, only in dungeons. But once ya move from screen to screen, the sound stops! And the music's pretty good too, that's fucking bullshit!
Lucy: ...They didn't do that in the original Zelda...
Maya: Stupid CD technology bullshit!
Lucy: -sighs- Technology...we love it, we hate it...
Zelda: The backgrounds are so bland so when ya need to go somewhere ya don't know where to go or where a cave is hidden.
Lucy: ...I can't tell, but they look like satalite images...is she a giant or something?!
Maya:....Nah, they just got lazy.
Lucy: Okay then...
Zelda: So the final boss is Ganon, but it's pretty disappointing....
Zelda: Well that's Zelda's Adventure. Mediocre, but playable.
Lucy: Eh....still crap.
Zelda: true. Well, next time we finish the Nintendo CD-i thing with something....that may shock you.
Episode 22: Hotel Mario (COMPLETED!)
Zelda: Okay, so as it turns out, there's one more CD-i game featuring Nintendo characters....well technically two, but we'll get to the other soon.
Lucy: Umm...okay...if they're as bad as the Zelda games...Zelda: First up we have Hotel Mario.
Lucy: ...That just sounds stupid...
Maya: It has the same cheesy and laughable cutscenes from the sister Zelda games.
Luigi: I hope she brought lots of SPAGHETTI!
Lucy: ...Italien jokes? Really?
Maya: My head hurts,...
Lucy: Ugh...get to the game already...
Zelda: The game is not what you'd expect. The gameplay. You go around hotels and just shut doors....
Maya: That's it? You just shut doors?
Lucy: ...Was everyone there born in a barn?
Zelda: Worst part is that sometimes the doors will keep opening. Just when ya think you're about to beat the level, a door opens and another one!
Maya: It's so annoying. You go through 10 levels per world.
Maya: At least it's somewhat challenging, but the controls with the elevators.
Lucy: Oh no...
Zelda: Despite what the arrow show, when you go onthe elevator you hit up. But you have to hit down to step out of it because you're in a hiding position.
Lucy: Tends to screw you over, doesn't it?
Zelda; You've no idea.
Lucy: At least you should be able to know where you are by the elevators, you just move vertically, right?
Zelda: Not really. In some of the later levels, the direction of the elevators constantly change. So instead of going up, you may instead end up going down.
Maya: And the elevators don't take you where you think. Sometimes it's a total crapshot!
Lucy: -facepalms- Logic has died.
Zelda: Not much else to say. I should just end it right here....but there's one more.
Lucy: Oh no...
Zelda: An unreleased game called Super Mario's Wacky Worlds.
Lucy: Um... Is that just a hack of Super Mario World?
Zelda: Actually it was intended to be a sequel to Super Mario World, but due to the bad saled of the CD-i it was never released, nor was it finished.
Lucy: ...What?Zelda: But I still have a copy of it, so we best check it out.
Lucy: Somehow I think there's a reason that it wasn't released.
R.O.B.: Not repeating ourselves.
Lucy: Shut up ROB!
Zelda: Well, this disc splits the levels up into parts, but many elements that woulda been in the gameplay don't work. The game was only 30% finished before it was cancelled.
Lucy: ...Wow... I just don't even...
Maya: Well we begin and it seems to be based off real life locations.
Lucy: Very original.
Maya: Wait....what's this? Super Mario World music and sound effects? Platforming? Oh my god, a real game!
Lucy: Wait for it...
Maya: Oh god....I'm stuck.
Zelda: Yeah, because the game is unfinished, you cannot finish a single level. So when you get to the end, you're stuck in limbo and have to reset the game.
Maya: (bends over, revealing too much and looking for the reset button) Uhh...where's the reset button?
Zelda: Oh sorry, I shoulda been more clear. When I said reset the game, I actually meant you turn the CD-i off and then immediately turn it on. I cannot find the reset button to this thing, yet another reason why the CD-i was a total failure.
Lucy: Um, sis... Skirt.
Maya: (pulls it down) Thanks....
Lucy: Wow... Is this system even finished?
Zelda: There are even some stages that don't play at all.
Lucy: Yep. Not finished.
Zelda: It gets better. If you try to select any of the Village stages, you get stuck on the title screen.
Lucy: ...Wow. Just...wow...
Zelda: Not much else to say....
Lucy: Well, think I had enough of this console...
Zelda: Yup. It sucks.
Lucy: Please tell me that no more games were made for that stupid thing?
Maya: Uhhh.....no. (points to a bunch of CD-i games)
Lucy: -stares in horror-
In Memory of
Ralph Baer (1922 - 2014)
Zelda: In 1966, Ralph Baer--the innovator of the video game industry--began work on the very first video game console. His idea and invention was licensed by Magnavox , and was made public in 1972, as the Magnavox Odyssey!
Maya: And it sure is old....
Lucy: Older than a couple of us are...
Zelda: (opens up the Odyssey) A console that predates the Atari 2600, it's a very odd specimen with a unique shape.
Lucy: ...What? You sure this isn't an Eggman robot?
R.O.B.: (glares at Lucy in protest)
Lucy: -looks back at him- What?
R.O.B.: Resent mode activated.
Maya: I think you offended him.
Zelda: (blows the dust off it) As you can see it's very old.
Maya: (coughs) I noticed!
Lucy: At least it doesn't have whiskers...
Zelda: The Odyssey has some weird-ass design, kinda like a spaceship--
Maya: No no no, don't even mention space like this again!
Zelda:....She's still upset from Action 52.
Lucy: ... -sigh-
Zelda: Of course, it's one of those ya have to hook a box up to your TV, but the weird thing is the controller wire is very short and not too flexible, but the wire connecting the console to the wall is extremely long!
Lucy: -stares at it- Maya, do have a comparison for this wire?
Zelda: Speaking of which,the controllers are the most oddly shaped ever. They look like miniature toasters.
Lucy: Hmm... Maya, don't you think this--?
Maya: Don't say it!
Zelda: I'm starting to think you're jealous that Maya has a cute boyfriend, Lucy.
Lucy: -laughs- Don't be silly! It's just that teasing her about him is funny. -giggles-
Lucy: Hey, it's better than having a boy breathing down my neck wanting nothing but the goods!
Zelda; ANYWAY! Let's look at the games!
Zelda: Here are the cartridges. Very small with numbers on them.
Lucy: -examines them, flipping them around, confused- These look like data disks or chips or something like that...
Zelda; They basically are. The games have overlays to use for specific games. When you put the cartridges in, you get a blue screen and two white dots.....and yes, every game on the Odyssey requires two players.
Lucy: Well then...
Zelda: Who's brave enough?
Lucy: I'll try this...spaceship...I don't think Maya can handle this spaceship design...
Zelda; Cool, I'll play with ya!
Lucy: -holds the controller, puzzled as to how to use it- ...Where's the A button? Or Start?
Zelda: Being the first console, it only has two knobs on the side to move your cursors.
Lucy: -puts her fingers on the nobs and twists them, getting a feel for the controller- I don't think this is a stable configuration... I'd rather be using an Etch-A-Sketch than this...
Maya: Well let's start these things......
Lucy: ...Wait, we have to put on those plastic sheets onto the screen?
Zelda: We begin with Table Tennis, don't need overlays here.
Lucy: Okay then...
Zelda: Press the reset button on the controller to serve, and then....yeah.
Lucy: ...Poor man's Pong.
Zelda: Prehistoric Pong.
Lucy: Even worse.
Zelda: Next up we have Tennis.....which is no different than Table Tennis except the overlays.
Lucy: Okay...how is this any different again?