This is a namely non-canon series based on The Angry Video Game Nerd and Pat the NES Punk, along with several video game review shows, made soley for entertainment purposes.
Zelda, Maya, and Lucy--three sisters that gather every so often to play video games at Zelda's place. Here, they have showed us their crazy antics. They'll play & review some games, consoles, and gaming accessories. Some will be good, some will be bad, but none will be safe from three of Tikal's harmless daughters!
- Zelda the Echidna - daughter of Mephiles and Tikal and primary main character. She is a massive geek that has tech stuff and comics from all across the world and time, including nearly every video game console and game to exist.
- Maya the Echidna - the peaceful daughter of Tikal and the one that normally plays most of the games. Maya takes fascination in most of the things Zelda has in her home.
- Lucy the Echidnahog - daughter of Sonic and Tikal who normally just comments on the games and doesn't normally play as often as her sisters. She loves them both very much, but has a love-hate relationship with R.O.B.
- R.O.B. (short for Robotic Operating Buddy) - an NES accesory that plays two games: Gyromite and Stack-Up. This one is a live one that talks, shoots weak lasers from his eyes, and also does some other work and helpfulness to the girls.
Episode 1: Fantasia (COMPLETED)
Zelda: (listening to music from The Megas)
Lucy: -knocks on the door- Zelda? Zelda? It's Lucy...
Zelda: Hmm? Come in!
Lucy: -enters- Is Maya here yet, sis?
Maya: (runs in) Sorry I'm late!
Lucy: -hugs Maya- No sis, you're never late. ^^ It's okay.
Zelda: Okay, we're gonna be playing some games today. R.O.B., ya got the Monsters ready?
R.O.B.: (throws some Monster Energy Drinks their ways)
Maya: (barely catches)
Lucy: -catches- ...If we need drinks, we're going to be playing a really bad game.
Zelda; Oooh boy! Sister, you have no idea! Today, we are playing... (pulls out a game) Fantasia on the Sega Genesis!
Lucy: I can already tell this is going to be bad. It sounds like a failed pop or techno band.Zelda: Fantasia was a genius movie made by Disney, now transferred into the Sega Genesis. Let's pop this thing in and see what we get. (puts it in the Genesis slot of the Retron 3).
Lucy: Alright... Usually when we have movies turned into games, it turns into a pile of crap. My expectations aren't that high.
Maya: The intro music is so annoying to listen to. This may be a precursor to what we have in store for us.
Zelda: Okay, so you play as Mickey and the goal is to collect these music notes throughout the game. Why? I don't have a freaking clue.
Zelda: Okay, so we begin in Yensid's place, like the infamous skit from the movie. This is only part of the first level. And to say the least...it looks horrible.
Lucy: Ugh, the music... Can we say, ear-rape?
Maya: You can say that again. Well, we made it outside and now we're in sort of like a lake like level. And this is where things start getting difficult! (falls in water and dies) AWW DAMMIT!!
Zelda: Until you can learn to jump on enemies, you have to use these magic spells to attack enemies. But you run out too quickly, and there isn't enough power-ups to give you more! What were they thinking?!
Lucy: I think they were on crack, to be honest. Why, do you get hurt, by jumping on the enemeies?! Obviously these programmers didn't look at Sonic or Mario, heck ANY other game like this. This, is Windows Vista.
Zelda: Oh you can jump on enemies! But it's the most fucked up and broken way of jumping on enemies in the history of gaming!
Lucy: What a load of crap...
Zelda: You're not gonna believe me when I tell you this, but...to jump on enemies, you need to hold down while you jump. I shit thee not!
Maya: YOU HAVE TO HOLD DOWN TO JUMP ON THEM?!?!?!!? THAT IS ABSOLUTLEY STUPID AND TEDIOUS!!! In Mario and Sonic, you see an enemy, you press jump, you land on them, and they're dead, but here, YOU HAVE TO HOLD DOWN WHEN YOU JUMP?!?!?! And the controlls are absolutly pathetic and everything wants to kill you! THAT!! IS BULLSHIT!!!! (angrily drinks some Monster)
Zelda: (drinks some Monster too)
Lucy: Doesn't help that there are so many enemies on the screen that it makes really backed up traffic during rush hour with construction blush. -drinks some Monster-
Zelda: These platforms, I hate so much. They move in such irratic patterns, it's hard to even land on them. And the foreground keeps getting in the way! I can't see shit!
Mickey: (jumps behind the foreground and gets hit by a hard-to-see enemy)
Zelda: Look, how was I supposed to know there was something there?! This foreground comes striaght from hell!
Lucy: This, is buuuuulllllcrap!
Mickey: (jumps into a treasure chest, teh screen fades out and it teleports to an earlier part of the level)
Zelda: Wh-what?! How the--how'd I get here again?!
Maya: Apparently that treasure chest has some sort of Stargate in it that backtracks ya back to a previous part of the level! So you need to avoid that.
Zelda: Easier said than done, Maya, considering how ass these controls are! DAMN!! Lost my lives!
Lucy: Why is that even there?! It doesn't need to be there, there's no point on flinging you back to an earlier part of the level unless you missed something, which I doubt there is anything to miss in that section!
Zelda: Well, I get three continues. So I'm gonna use one so I can try aga--
(the game starts her up not at the last checkpoint, but right at the beggiming of the level)
Zelda: O.O W....t....f...? (silently drinks Monster)
Lucy: Oh, wow...
Maya: That's not a continue, that's a game over! When you continue, that means you want to start from when you last screwed up, not start the whole level over! WHAT WERE THESE ASSHOLES SMOKING?!?!?!? (angrily drinks)
Zelda: Okay, so when I finally reach the third section....
(the third section is revealed tio be the first section but with minor differences)
Zelda: Hmmm....this looks awfully familiar!!
Lucy: So this is a looping game of limbo?!
Zelda: Although it may look like it, it's actually a different section. With a bonus area door and waaaaay more enemies! And--D'OH!! DAMMIT!! I HATE THIS FUCKING GAME!! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!?!
Lucy: There's so many enemies on the screen, it makes a pack of sardines look like the widest pastures ever!!
Zelda: Well, I can't take this shit anymore! I can't even pass the first level! This game is an absolute atrocity! It's a disgrace to the Sega Genesis! To hell with this!! (throws the controller down in rage and turns the game off, takes out the cartridge)
Lucy: Walt Disney would call this an utter disgrace to his legacy!!
Maya: This thing can only be given one fitting fate! Girls, step back!
Zelda: (slowly steps back, holding the cartirdge)
Lucy: -takes a few steps back-
Maya: (fires a light bolt at it, destroying it)
Zelda: (sighs) So in general, Fantasia on the Sega Genesis is absolutly shit! The controls are mind-blowingly awful, the first level takes forever and it feels like you're running laps, and it's such a terible Genesis game. Ain't that right, R.O.B.?
R.O.B.: Sentence: logically correct. Fantasia - terrible.
Zelda: There ya go.
Lucy: Such a crappy game would have a crappy ending if anyone was emo enough to die so many times to actually get that far to see it., not even worth it.
Girls: (drink their Monsters)
Episode 2: Little Red Hood (COMPLETED)
(the girls are looking through Zelda's ENORMOUS collection of video games)
Maya: Wow, Zelda! You sure have a lot of games.
Lucy: I know, right? It's ridiculous! -notices a black, irregular-shaped cartridge protruding from the the others- Huh? What's this? -pulls it out and reads it- ...Little Red Hood? What kind of NES game is this?
Zelda: Huh? Oh. That's a game based off Little Red Riding Hood.
Maya: This is the weirdest cartridge ever.....let's give it a try. (takes it and put it in the Retron 3)
R.O.B.: ERROR!! ERROR!!
Lucy: Huh? What is it, R.O.B.?
R.O.B.: Unlicensed NES game denied. Licensed Nintendo cartridge must be inserted into the top.
Maya: So that's why it's shaped like that...
Lucy: That's weird, the other unlicensed NES game cartridges don't have this crap.
Zelda: Well this thing was made in Malaysia and one of the rarest NES games in existant. If you play it on a toploading console, then it'll work just fine.
R.O.B.: Affirmative, but it still appears awkward and inoperatable.
Zelda: (groans) Fine. (puts Gyromite on it) Happy?
R.O.B.: Extremely. Thank you.Zelda: Alright, let's just start this thing. (turns the power on)
Lucy: With a freaky cartridge, I don't know how great of a game this would be.
Maya: Okay, so I'm walking around this place and trying to find out where to go and already I'm being swarmed by bad guys. How do I beat them? Let's try kicking....
Little Red Hood: (kicks, but it does nothing)
Maya: Great, I can't kick the enemies. But, at least I can kick the palm trees.
Lucy: Why give an attack that doesn't work? It's redundant at that point.
Maya: Hmm? Oh. I can jump! Let's try this.....
Little Red Hood: (tried jumping on someone, but gets hit)
Maya: No. That doesn't work either! Hmmm...Let's go in this store.....
Lucy: Oh, look at these. A potion, a...heart? And a slingshot. Hey, the slingshot might be your shot at an actual attack.
Maya: Okay. (buys a heart and a slingshot) Let's try this thing out!
Little Red Hood: (throws the sling shot, but the enemy respawns immediatly)
Maya: Aren you kidding me? I throw it?! That doesn't make even the least amount of sense!! (drinks Monster)
Lucy: I suppose if they put a gun in there she'd be throwing that too!!
Zelda: It doesn't matter anyway. After a few shots, it's gone. Just like that. And the instant they die they come back!
Maya: Well...guess I might as well just focus on getting out of here and collect cherries.
Lucy: Um...how do you get out?
Maya: Hmm? Let's try this staircase....
(they find a room with some gold, candy and enemies, but otherwise it's a dead end)
Lucy: Okay, so this is limbo... Why make a game where all you got is limbo?
Maya: (constantly exploring the stage and after 5 minutes, she finds a key in the secret room) That's odd....that wasn't there before. Maybe I get this....(leaves)
Little Red Hood: (wanders around until a blinking staircase appears; goes in it and the next level starts)
Maya: Wh-what?! That's all I had to do?! Why does it only appear whenever it wants to then?!
Lucy: To make the game longer I suppose?
Maya: Well, I'm on Level 2 and--that's odd, it's out in the open this time....and I can't touch the Panda or else I die....perfect...
Lucy: The game is cheating...
Maya: (gets it after the afterhit invincibility) Great. Next level....
Little Red Hood: (tries to jump on turtles to get across a waterfall, but keeps dying)
Maya: UGH!! And here I thought Fantasia had bad jumping controls!
Little Red Hood: (finally gets across and gets the key)
Maya: Ugh, finally!
20 minutes later.....
Maya: Man, that water level was so easy....
Zelda: Well at least they were trying to do something different.
Lucy: Hope there are more of them!
Maya: Okay, now in level 7, and my god is this taking forever! This is such a broken down mess! Everything is so random it's giving me a headache!
Lucy: It's like your a lab rat...
"Welcome to World 8"
Maya: Now time to find that key.....
1 hour later.....
Maya: Okay....what am I doing? I have been playing this for an hour and I don't see a darn key! I'm doing what the game has been telling me to do, so where's that fucking key?!
Lucy: I don't know...
Zelda: R.O.B., analyze this cartridge and find a way to beat this level.
R.O.B.: (scans the catrtridge and TV screen) Gaming data secured. Searching for solution to maze.....results: special requirements for World 8 are as follows: 1 Invincibility Potion, 3 Slingshots.
Maya:...........WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT MADE THEM THINK TO JUST CHANGE THE RULES RIGHT THERE?!?!?!?! JUST TO DO SOMETHING TO GET THROUGH THAT??!?!?!?! HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO GUESS THAT?!?!?!? WHAT KIND OF IDIOTS PROGRAMMED IT LIKE THIS?!??!??! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (rages around the condo, then gulps up her Monster)
Lucy: Now THAT, is some bullcrap. It's like a crappy science experiment. I'll finish this for her... -takes the controller, buys the items, and finishes the level which took about 15 minutes-
Maya: In fact, I don't even expect a good ending! With so much cryptic bullshit that no one would even think to find the ending, I expect a terrible ass-licking shitheap of an ending!!
Lucy: -finishes the game-
Game: Oh! My dear Little Red Hood! Thank you for your coming!
Lucy: -pauses, then drops the controller and shrugs-
Maya: (calmy drinks her Monster) You did not disappoint us.
Zelda: Nope. (drinks) So to sum it up, it sucks. Little Red Hood is one of the rarest NES games and also one of the worst. The controls are terrible, the enemies are impossible to kill, and it makes no sense. Not like it's a surprise. It's based off of a damn fairytale. So...(takes the games out and throws Little Red Hood through the end of the closet) Yeah. Now I'm going to bed. I'm tired.
Maya: Ugh....hope the next game isn't as terrible as this.....
Episode 3: Action 52 (NES) (COMPLETED)
Zelda: There are quite a few games that have more than one game on them, mostly 5 at the most, and nearly all of them are unlicensed. Some are really just plug-and-play games.....which suck hard balls. Well I've got a few myself, so let's have a look-see....
Lucy: -looks through the library and pulls out a clear cartridge- ...Action 52?
Zelda: Hmm? Oh that.
Maya: WHy is it clear? It looks so weird....
Zelda: Yeah. Action 52 is a compilation of 52 NES games made in 1991, and an unlicensed one too. This is the misfit of the unlicensed cartridges. Some of teh games were in gold, black, grey, and blue. But this one is clear. It is kinda cool though...
Maya: How much was this thing?
Maya: Say what?!
Zelda: Well there's 52 games....
Lucy: Uhh... Depending on how great the games are...
R.O.B.: Calculating price of each game.... 200 / 52 = 3.846153
Zelda:......Ya. Let's just say $4 a game.
Lucy: Huh... That's pretty good I guess, again, depending on the games though...Maya: Let's put it in...(puts Action 52 into the Retron 3)
- "Lights....Camera....ACTION 52!!"
"WAMP WAMP WAAAAAAMP"
Lucy: Uhhh... Cliche much?
Girls: (shrug and press start)
"Make your selection now!"
Maya: Okay, let's start this thing.....
Maya: Hmmm....I think this is a 2-player game. Lucy?
Lucy: Okay. -picks up the second controller-
3 minutes later....
Maya: (yawns) this is boring....next
Maya: (gets hit by an obsticle right away) How was I supposed to dodge that?! It just came at me right at the start, giving me no time to react!
Lucy: That's a load of crap. You're just supposed to know, that it's a vertical 2-D space shooter, and there's a huge obsticle right at the start. What a load of crap...
Maya: But this is pretty easy.....but now I'm stuck. This boss doesn't show up all the time. And the boss looks like a damn birthday cake!
Lucy: Level 2 suffers the same problems, and after Level 3, the game crashes. Next!
Maya: Huh? I can't see anything! Not even my own character! What kind of game is this?!
Lucy: A bad game...
Maya: I have to kill all these guys to win. And after ya beat the game, you get sent back to Level 1 to suffer this crap again!
Maya: Space shooter? Didn't we already play this?
Zelda: Except it's horizontal.
Lucy: -sarcastically- Don't we love reruns of our favorite shows? This is it.
Maya: This is boring and easy. Okay, next....
Maya: Wow....you jump with the B button? I thought you used A to jump?
Lucy: Um... For every other normal game yes. -sighs- Another Windows Vista expirience.
Maya: And these jumping controls are horrible! You have to jump, then move to jump over holes!
Lucy: Don't ya just love terribad jumping controls? I sure do.
Zelda: There was supposidly a contest where you could get a large sum of money after beating Level 5, but the game crashes once ya get to Level 3, making it virtually unwinnable.
6. Silver Sword
Maya: This sword isn't really silver and there's so much green!
Lucy: Green, green, green, and did I mention green?
Maya: This is pathetic....these enemies have to be the biggest stock I've ever seen.
(five centipedes come down and kill the character)
Maya: Okay, bullshit! How the fuck was I supposed to dodge or react to that?! It's fuckin' bullshit!
7. Critical Bypass
Maya: AAAAH MY EYES!!!! THEY HURT!!!!
Zelda: You can only shoot in the direction you're moving, but the background causes so much of an eyestrain you won't be able to notice.
Lucy: Uhh... I think it's critical, that we bypass this game.
8. Jupiter Scope
Maya: Another space shooter? Great.....stopping meteors from.....from....
(teh meteors hit the city and do nothing)
Lucy: Wait they just dissintegrate into nothing? Can you imagine if that happened with the dinosaurs?
(a meteor drops down onto a jungle and nothing happens)
Dinosaur: Uhhh, me Grimlock confused. Where the big boom to kill me Grimlock?
Maya: Anyway, all ya do is hold the A button all day and move back and forth and you will score. But this game can take up to an hour to beat.
Zelda; To make things worse, you gotta shoot down 310 meteors to beat the game.
Lucy: How tedious is that?! Ughm, next!
(the girls get a blank screen)
Maya:....What happened? Where's the game?
Zelda: There is no game. It crashed.
Maya:......Ugh! What a bunch of fuck. NEXT!!
10. Operation Full Moon
Maya: So I'm going around the moon, shooting things....and they really thought they were being clever with the colors.
Lucy: I mean why use colors like grey and black when you can use pink and green. Everyone knows the moon is pink and green!
Zelda: The game's so easy, you just gun down retarded guns before you're sent back to Level 1 again.
11. Dam Busters
Zelda: At least it looks decent.....
Maya: Great, I'm at a dead end--wait, how come I can't go back?! So now I'm stuck?!
Lucy: Add that projectiles phaze through the walls, looks like you're in limbo until you get killed...
Maya: You think any kid's gonna wanna put up with this?!
Zelda: This game is 2 levels long, so it's fairly easy.
Maya: ANOTHER space shooter?! Okay, now I'm getting annoyed by this!
Zelda: If ya keep firing, no one shows up. And if ya crash into something in Level 2, your ship gets a freaking seizure and splits off into milions of pieces! All while still being able to be played!
Maya: It's the MissingNo. glitch times a thousand! Oh god, next!
13. Haunted Hill
Maya: Whoa....I wish I had breasts that big....
Lucy: You're not alone...
Maya: These controls are as bad as Ooze and--I died by just touching the edge of the platform?! HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!?!?!
Lucy: o_____o If you asked them I don't think they can answer you.
Maya: Oh god, I can die by hitting a chain in the background?! And why does this skull keep killing me outta nowhere?!
Zelda: And a spider as a boss, but it's hard to tell in the first few levels.
14. Chill Out
Maya: I wish I could chill out! These controls keep getting worse and I'm dying in mid-air AGAIN!!!
Lucy: Lovely, you hit the air so hard, that you die!
Zelda: And the enemies are spazzing out. Wait you die and turn into a snowball?
Lucy; Of course, it's a scientific fact that when eskimos die, they turn into snowballs.
Maya: This game's a rip off of Jaws on NES, where ya kill sharks. except for one small problem......
Zelda: THE SHARKS NEVER FUCKING SHOW UP!!!
After a few minutes.....
Maya: Ugh....this is so boring.....gimme some sharks to kill!
Lucy: Honestly, it's boing to watch. Where, are the darn sharks?!
Zelda: Even when they show up, it moves by so fast and in places ya can't get to! And the jellyfish appear so much faster!
Maya: You have to kill 94 sharks and when ya beat the game, they give ya a Game Over!
Lucy: The game should just be to tell ya "Fuck you, all that effort was for nothing! Bitch!"
Maya: Another space shooter?! How many do we need?! UGH!!!
Zelda: To make matters worse, the glitch of the boss not showing up is back. Even when it does come here, you have such a limited space to kill him.
17. French Baker
Maya: Whoa!! Talk about a chaotic kitchen!
Lucy: Everything's trying to kill you!
Maya: They musta been snorting cocaine when they came up with this. Donuts, hot dogs, cupboards.....oh god....
18. Atmos Quake
Maya: EIGHT?!!? EIGHT SPACE SHOOTERS?!?!?! I'm getting sick of this shit!!
(poor hit detection kills Maya)
Lucy: Hey, what killed ya?
Maya: I was nowhere near that purple thing!!
Zelda: Level 5, ya just explode constantly. Fuck this!
Maya: Okay....you have to wait 2 seconds for boobytraps to be revealed. NEXT!!
20. Space Dreams
Lucy: Oh hey, what could this be? -game starts- Why of course, ANOTHER SPACE SHOOTER.
Maya: Ugh, NINE!!!!! I'm getting sick of this shit! Can't they add some sort of variet--what's that enemy right there? Is....is that a safety pin?!
Zelda; (looks closer) Looks like it.
Maya:.........(calmly drinks) SAFETY PINS AS ENEMIES IN A FUCKING SHOOTING GAME?!?!!
Lucy: -calmly drinks- They must've been stoned, I swear.
Maya: Reminds me of Spider-Man and Bionic Commando
Lucy: Hey what's with these money bags?....oh they kill ya? Ridiculous. These rabbits, do nothing.
Zelda: These platforms later on are a real bitch to get onto. If you're one pixel off, you own't get on.
Maya: Okay, what's next?
22. Spread Fire
Maya: UGH!!! TEN!!! I'M GETTING SICK OF THIS!!!!
Lucy: Y'know, if there's no astronauts in the next ten years, it's because these crappy space shooters scared them all away!
23. Bubblegum Rosy
Maya: Well, something new at least......wait. How do I not die when I touch the spikes?
Lucy: Uhh... Doesn't seem like this game has any rules...
Maya: Level 2 begins with an obsticle, same as Star Evil! UGH! Well it's a driving stage.
Zelda: Level 3 is the same as Level 1, except at day. After that, the game begins from Level 1 like everything else.
24. Micro Mike
Maya: WHOOAAAAA!!! Man! Too fast! Too fast!! TOO FAST!!!! D'OH!!!!
Lucy: Gimme that! (uses quick reflexes to dodge everything, but still dies) This is the poorest excuse for a game ever!
Zelda: R.O.B., Game Shark now!
R.O.B.: Affirmative. (uses eye lasers to add Game Shark to Micro Mike, making the character invincible)
Maya: This game is just shit.....
Maya:.....Okay. How do I get killed by mushrooms?!
Lucy: The only explanation I can come up with is poisonous, but even then that's only if you ingest them. You can fall from a great height and survive, but you get killed by touching mushrooms... What were they thinking?!
26. Rocket Jockey
Maya:......ELEVEN, FUCKING, SPACE SHOOTERS?!?!??!??!??!?! HOW MANY DO YOU NEED?!?!?!?!?!? THAT'S IT!!! I'VE HAD IT!!!!!! (throws teh controller down in rage and starts massacring the whole place before panting and drinking up her Monster) I'm sorry, you girls take over, cuz I can't put myself through anymore of that shit!!
Zelda:....least this game's somewhat easy.
Lucy: It's okay Maya... -takes up the controller- So that's at least half of this thing's monetary value gone...
27. Non Human
Lucy: Fitting, nothing is "human". ...And those faces that take up half the screen are creeping me out... -keeps dying, being unable to jump over a hole- ...Really? Really. Really... -calmly drinks some Monster-
28. Cry Baby
Lucy: Oh, now the game is just facepalming at how bad we're doing, when it's the game's fault! -starts playing- Uhhh... Baby, adult, baby, adult...what is wrong here?
Zelda: I don't understand....
Lucy: Such a misleading title. You'd think this'd be a horror game, but no. It's a really crappy beat 'em up that you have to kill everyone you see. You got no choice because the game stops you.
Maya: And one of the enemies is a green version of the boob chick from Haunted Hill.
Lucy: Yeah... Doesn't make sense...
30. Crazy Shuffle
Lucy: ...I can't see a darn thing! I need a freaking magnefying glass to see these things!
Zelda: Thankfully, you can just sit down and just keep shooting and you can breeze through easily.
Lucy: But this is the most annoying 10 minutes of my life.
31. Fuzz Power
Lucy: ...Got that right. Big feet, big nose, and a crapload of fuzz. And I'm supposed to beat hairdryers and brushes? Really? -plays for a bit, but then gets hammered until the character is naked- ...This is a load of crap.
R.O.B.: CENSOR!! CENSOR!! CENSOR!!
Zelda & MayA: (AAAH MY GODD!! OH MAN THAT'S NASTY!!! WHAT IN THE--AAAUGH!!!!
Maya: (drinks)......I hate Action 52 so fuckin much!! (cries)
Zelda: Later on, the character stops rolling. Instead, you just RUN THROUGH THE ENEMIES!!
Lucy: I JUST RUN THROUGH THE ENEMIES AND EVERYTHING'S HUNKY-DOORIE?!?!
Maya: Nope, cuz there's this big wall in the way, so you're stuck. (drinks up)
32. Shooting Gallery
Lucy: -playing for ten minutes- ...This is way too easy. No time limits, enemies don't disappear until they're shot, and I can't die. This will never end... At least I can get out by pausing the game with Start then hitting Select. -does so, but the game crashes- ...REALLY?! THE ONE GAME THAT DOESN'T END CRASHES WHEN YOU TRY TO QUIT!! -drinks some Monster-
Zelda: (resets the game) After the first level the game crashes.
Lucy: Umm... What an embarressing weapon...
Maya: You jump up a ladder? HUH?!?!
Zelda: There's been a few cases in this cartridge that the music fucks up, but it's worse here. And you also fall through the ceiling and don't die.....
Lucy: What the heck?! Gaaaahh...!!! NEXT!!!
34. Evil Empire
Maya: Oh my god...so puny....
Lucy: Oh, some crazy things are happening over there, I wanna join in. -jumps and dies in mid-air- Ugh...
Lucy: Well... I guess this is befitting... Though only the main character has a sombrero on as far as I'm concerned...
Zelda: Not much to say about this one...just kill innocents and
36. Storm Over the Desert
Lucy: Oh wow, a title screen. -playing for a while- ...I can't die.
Maya: Can you at least try to kill people without cheating?
Lucy: I'm not doing anything! A tank crashes into me and that tank dies!
Zelda: Hey...is that....a giant Saddam Hussain?!
Lucy: How did they screw up the portportion this bad?! The soldiers aren't gigantic!
Maya: (yawns) This is boring...
(Lucy's tank dies)
Zelda: Well looks like ya can die.
Zelda: So boring, enemies take a freaking year to kill you, mind you show up. NEXT!
37. Mash Man
Lucy: ...This is just a clone of Fuzz Power...we're only on the last
Maya: Well, at least there's no more space shooters....
38. They Came....
Zelda: You were saying?
Maya: TWELVE SPACE SHOOTERS?!?!?! SON OF A BITCH!!!!!! (angrily drinks)
Lucy: Really... -calmly drinks-
Zelda: After the first level, or after you die, the game crashes. GOOD!
39. Lazer League
Lucy: By the way... Number thirteen.
Maya: (screams so loud the windows break) WHY....SO....FUCKING...MANY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Lucy: I don't know... Maybe because they're the easiest to program? Make a black background, put dots on it and call it space.
Zelda: By the way, Maya, you owe me.......20,000 rings.
Maya: (looks around the damage she just did)....Oops.
Lucy: Well it's pretty easy.....good.
40. Billy Bob
Lucy: Well...this looks tolerable.
Billy Bob: (falls and dies in mid-air on the second screen)
Zelda: You were saying?
Lucy: Oh, I should've learned. In Action 52, you cannot jump down. You'll hit the air so hard that you die!
Zelda: Second screen in the game, and it's a dead end. Unless ya get the hang of it, but the controls are gonna fuck you up hard!
41. City of Doom
Lucy: Umm... Okay? I'm crawling up a building while the tenants throw crap at me. -after playing for a while- How tall is this building?! It must lead into space!
Maya: Lucy, please! Don't say space! I don't wanna hear a single thing about space!
Zelda: Funny enough...it does.
42. Bits and Pieces
Lucy: Ooh, a monster game. ...But all I'm doing is jumping. An attack would be nice.
Maya: Or anything like a normal game!
43. Beeps and Blips
Lucy: Umm... A shape, shooting at other shapes... Reject sprites from other games?
Maya: Fourteen space shooters in all....dear lord, thank god it's the last one!
Maya: So you play as a guy in a bad beat-em-up style game with bad platforming and jumping controls. And the boss sucks, ya touch his head and ya die.
Lucy: Umm... Misleading title, and can't get past this bomb part. Go too early, bomb gets you. Go too late, the next one gets you.
Zelda: Other than that, ya just run forward, shoot, and you win easy.
Maya: Wow....very clever...
Zelda: (sings the Pink Panther theme with the title)
Lucy: Oh, but I can only go left and right, which means if an ant gets down to where I am, I'm screwed!
Zelda: The spiders are worse. While the otehr ants will go back up after a while, the spiders stay down unless you find a convenient glitch that allows half of ya to be seen and they die. NEXT!
Lucy: A jumping game...with crappy jumping controls...
48. Time Warp Tickers
Zelda & Maya: O___O W....T....F....?
Lucy: O_____________O THIS, MAKES NO SENSE...WHATSOEVER!!! -frantically drinks-
Lucy: ...It crashed... Lovely, another delinquent game...
50. Ninja Assault
Lucy: Another beat 'em up...if I can call it that...
Maya: Level 2, boss battle on ice. So annoying. Level 3 ya jump on logs, but you can jump on nothing or an electricuted log and survive.
Lucy: The character glitches up in Level 4. And when ya beat the boss, you are stuck in limbo. You can't even get into this cave. Fuck this!
51. Robbie Robot
Lucy: Umm...that's no robot... -gets to the second level, and dies- ...SO IT GOES FROM IMPOSSIBLE TO LOSE TO IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAT?!?! ARE YOU CRAPPING ME?!?! THIS GAME, IS CRAPPING ME!!!
Maya: Maybe you should actually try to win at it!!
Lucy: .__. Okay......oh god, these glitches....screw this!
Zelda: Well....there's one last game....the feature presentation of the cartridge....
Lucy: This actually has a story...a crappy one but still...
Maya: At least the music's actually good...and there's no space...
Zelda: Well ya barely got through that level. Now it's real sidescrolling!
Lucy: Yeah. -finds out the jumping glitch- o_o Okay then...
Maya: So you're going to cheat, huh?
Lucy: Maya, this whole thing is a cheat.
Maya: (sees she died at the top of the screen and laughs) Serves you right!
Lucy: Yeah, when you fall you don't drop from the ceiling and live... But jumping from a great height kills you anyway.
Zelda: Okay, now you're a giant cheetah. So difficult now.
Lucy: Giant cheetah... You'd think this guy would be a juggernaut, but no, he's as easy to beat as paper!
Maya: Now you fell thro--huh?!
Lucy: Uhh...a 1-Up? And it takes me to the next level?
Maya:......(calmly drinks) Must....not....rage.....
Lucy: -plays til she encounters the Rino Man and gets OHKO'd- o_o Wow... -calmly drinks-
Lucy: YA THINK?!
Zelda: And that's it...
Lucy: THIS SUCKS!! THE ONLY WAY TO BEAT THIS GAME IS TO CHEAT!! MAYBE THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED, CHEETAHMEN!!
Zelda: Next is the shooting cheetah, but it's hard to get your cheetahman to hit anything. And in Level 6, no enemies, so easy. Ya kill the final boss, and we're done! FINALLY!!
Maya: I......fucking....HATE THIS GAME!!!! THIS IS A FUCKING MESS!!! GAMES THAT CRASH AND GLITCH, HORRIBLE GRAPHICS, LACK OF VARIETY IN GAMES, GAMES THAT ARE TOO EASY, GAMES THAT ARE TOO HARD, AND TOO...MANY....SPACE SHOOTERS!!!!! FUCK THIS PIECE OF HORSESHIT!!!!! (angrily blasts the game away with a beam of light then finishes her Monster)
Lucy: GAAAAAAAHHH!!!! -finishes her Monster-
Zelda: there is a Sega Genesis version, but as you can see, we need to get that 8-bit mess out of our system....we will, however, do the one other game these assholes made......
Lucy: Oh, what's that?
Zelda: A sequel to Action 52....
Maya: (cringes) No....oh please no...
Zelda: (shows them a familiar cartridge)
TO BE CONCLUDED.....
Episode 4: Cheetahmen II (COMPLETED)
Maya: (crying on the couch) Whyyyyy......?
Lucy: -hugging Maya, but crying also-
Zelda: (sighs) Yes....there is a Cheetahmen II. However, like Little Red Hood, it is one of the most rare NES games, since it was never released and only 1500 of these things are known to exist. Active Enterprises--the company that made Action 52--was planning to release it and a "portable" system, but this thing wasn't released until several years later. How they were found, I don't know. Nor do I care.
Lucy: NO, NOT A SEQUEL TO THAT LOAD OF BULL CRAP!!!!
R.O.B.: (shows cartridge) Cheetahmen II cartridge presenting.
Lucy: NOOOO!!!! NOT A SECOND CHEETAHMEN!!! I'M NOT PLAYING THAT!!!
R.O.B.: (Turns the cartiridge over)
Maya: Huh? Th....that's the same plastic casing from Action 52!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!
Lucy: REALLY?! IT MUST BE THAT BAD!!Maya: Let's pop this thing in and find out...(puts it in the Retron 3)
Lucy: Oh no... >.<
Maya: I'll do it this time....okay, so it's a bit better story this time. Alright first level, I'm Apollo, the shooting cheetah and the leader.
Zelda: How do you tell which is which?
Maya: I pay close attention.
Lucy: -hiding behind Zelda-
Maya: Wait......these graphics and music....they're the same from the last one! Were they even trying this time?!
Maya: Well at least I have a health bar this time around.....and I die by jumping. FUN!!
Maya: Ugh! Too many enemies on the ground, and most of them are too short to hit! D'OH!! Dead!!
Zelda: You'd think they'd improve all the problems with the first one, but no they made it worse. Enemies go through the ground, and what the fuck is that?! Looks like the game's taking an 8-bit shit!
Maya: Finally onto Level 2, and it's not getting any easier...
Lucy: That jumping glitch would work really well here...
Maya: Huh? I shoot tornados....and it gets destroyed in a single shot?.....who thought of this shit?!
Lucy: ...When we see a tornado, let's shoot it with an arrow. See what happens.
Maya: Well at least I'm doing good. BOOM!! Headshot! BOOM!! Headshot! BOOM!! Headshot!! AHAHAHA!!!
Maya: (gets to the boss) Oh my god....this is so easy....
Lucy: Too easy... All he's doing is just running to the right.
Maya: Okay, Level 3 and now I'm Hercules, the big cheetah. The jumping glitch works....but I won't use it....
Maya: HAH!! HIYAA!!! Take this!! BAM!! POW!!! BOOSH!!! HIYAAA!!! Wow, this is actually very fu--Level 3!? I just beat Level 3!
Zelda: Well the first one had 2 level 3's as well.
Lucy: How can they make the same mistake twice?!
Maya: (shrugs while playing) Perhaps it was intentional....okay, now for the ape man....(starts trying to beat it up)
Lucy: ...Can this boss fight look any more suggestive?
Maya: UGH!!....where'd he go?
Ape Man: (doesn't return)
Maya:....I hate to cheat but.....
Hercules: (tires jumping up continuosly til half his body is at the bottom of the screen, but he doesn't die)
Maya: WHAAAT?! I CAN'T KILL MYSELF WHEN I WANT TO?! I'M STUCK?! (drinks) So now I have to reset the game to try again....(resets the game)
30 minutes later....
Maya: This time you aren't getting away! (beats the Ape Man's ass like a bawss) BOOYAH!!!!!
Hercules: (still stuck in limbo)
Maya: Ummmm.....WHAT?!?!?! So, is that it?!
Zelda: Guess so.
Lucy: Huh? There's more?
R.O.B.: Affirmative. If player beats Lever 3B, they are sttuck in limbo. However, if certain conditions are met, game will start up in final levels, to complete Levels 3C and 3D.
Maya: Wait....they're also called Level 3?!
R.O.B.: Constantly turn power on & off, and the game will begin on missing levels
Maya: (does just that)
R.O.B.: Incorrect order. Try again.
Maya: (does so)
R.O.B.: Incorrect order. Try again.
45 Minutes later.....
R.O.B.: Again!....Again!.....Again!......Sequence complete. You may now play Level 3C and Level 3D.Maya: FINALLY!!!
Zelda: Yeah, so as R.O.B. said, there are actually 4 Level 3's. Why I have no idea....
Lucy: That's a load of crap...
Maya: These levels look like the same as the original Cheetahmen.....well I'm playing as the last cheetah, Aries. He's the martial arts guy and just beating everyone up in glitch land....
Maya: This game isn't too bad, but it's glicthed up. I think Cheetahmen would have been a great franchise had it not been for the bad games.....okay, on the last level...
Lucy: Another easy boss I assume?
Maya: Yep! HUH!! NGH!! NGH!! YEAH!! I WIN!!! (high-fives her sisters)
Lucy: YEAH! -high-fives her-
Maya:.......(notices she's still in limbo) Huh?
R.O.B.: Game completed. You are stuck.
Maya: Wait....that's it?
Maya: (calmly drinks) Well...at least I beat the game. All I have to say is if Action 52 wasn't such a flop, Cheetahmen would be a great rival to the Ninja Turtles.
Zelda: But before we leave, there's one last thing: the unreleased Action Gamemaster. It was supposed to be Active Enterprises' portable system, it would have played NES, SNES, Genesis games, CD's, and have it's own game in Cheetahmen III. Now we do have a poster of it, so let's take a look. R.O.B., fax it.
R.O.B.: (eyes do this sonicwave thing to a fax machine and shows a poster of the Action Gamemaster)
Zelda: (takes it and looks) O____O (shows her sisters the poster)
Maya: What..the fuck?
Lucy: Um... Can you even play that bulky think in your house?! Let alone trying to go somewhere with that huge thing!
Zelda: Does this thing look portable to you?!
Maya: Not to me...
Lucy: That small screen would cause so much eye strain...
Zelda: 3.2 inch LCD display?! How would anyone be able to see a screen that small?! And it would feel even bulkier than the Atari Lynx. And considering all the features this thing would do, not only would it feel heavy, but I can't imagine how many batteries it would take and how fast they would be drained.
Maya: It's no wonder why Active was such a fail. Who would really want to play this piece of fuck?!
Zelda: Not me! I'd rather play the Virtual Boy!
Lucy: And the Virtual Boy's pretty much unplayable to take on the go!
Episode 5: Virtual Boy (COMPLETED)
Zelda: It was now 1995. In video gaming, consumers were anxiously awaiting some of the latest consoles that were sure to blow everyone's minds: The Sega Saturn, the Nintendo 64, and the Sony Playstation. But during the N64's ongoing delay, Nintendo unvealed the Virtual Boy--originally known as VR32--to fill the time and continue its successful line of portable handheld gaming systems. It would have helped simulate the idea of virtual reality. It seemed like an awesome concept, but instead, it turned out to be one of--if not the--worst consoles of all time.....Maya: (holding the Virtual Boy) Oh man...where do we even begin with this....?
R.O.B.: (refusing to look anywhere near the system)
Lucy: Looks like bulky goggles...
Zelda: We talked about how awkward and uncomfortable it would have been for the Action GameMaster. But Nintendo did it with this thing. There's no headstrap, and it would be extremely difficult to find a confortable place to play this thing.
Maya: Not only that, but this thing causes headeaches, seizures, and eye strain as well. Talk about unsuitable gaming!
Lucy: That's a load of crap!
Zelda: Well let's just look at them....so, who's brave enough?
Lucy: -sighs- I'll do this... -takes up the controller and looks into the console-
Zelda: R.O.B., projector mode.
R.O.B.: I refuse to waste energy on a piece of crap like this.
Zelda: Well your games weren't any better!
R.O.B.: Silence! (shoots lasers at them, but barely misses)
Zelda: Projector mode or I'm not reviewing your games....EVER!!
R.O.B.:....Affirmative...(projects the Virtual Boy screen so Zelda and Maya can see it)
Zelda: Thank you. Now then, let's start with Mario's Tennis. (puts it in)
Lucy: Eww! Red and black! -tries playing it-
Zelda: Yeah, that was a bit of a letdown. The original Game Boy was in black and white, but the Virtual Boy was supposed to be cutting edge, so everyone expected it to be in color. But no...life isn't fair.
Maya; This looks like an okay game, but....this doesn't exactly feel like Virtual Reality too much.
Lucy: Yeah... I'd rather play this on the Super Nintendo...
Zelda: Still, it's an okay game....okay, what's next?
Maya: How about....Galactic Pinball?
Zelda: (puts it in)
Lucy: I feel like I'm taking an eye exam!
Zelda: Yeah, it's kinda hard to look at even looking at the projector.....
Maya: Just seems like any ordinary pinball game.
Zelda: Honestly, if I ever wanted to play pinball, I'd just go to the arcade. Never really understood the point of putting pinball onto a home console.
Lucy: --trying to hit the ball harder by hitting the buttons harder- At least the arcade lets you hit the ball harder!
Maya: Well...if you play this long enough and go blind, at least you can become the pinball wizard.
Zelda; I...don't think Lucy has the patience for it..
Lucy: No thanks! Next!!Zelda: Okay, let's try Red Alarm. (puts it in)
Maya: All these games are red, so what's the point?
Zelda: This game is one of the best Virtual Boy Games, so...
Lucy: BEST?! All there is is wire frames!!
Zelda: Yeah, it is kinda hard to figure out where to go....you can also choose the POV camera angle.
Lucy: -selects it- Because this is supposed to be VIRTUAL REALITY.
Zelda: There's only one other game that has this feature...wanna try it out?
Lucy: -rams into a "wall"- ...Sure.Zelda: Okay, it's Teleroboxer (puts it in)
Maya: Wow! This looks cool! And it's first-person!
Lucy: Oh hey! I can use both D-Pads!
Maya: Now this is more like virtual reality! Go get him sis!
Lucy: -makes short work of her opponent- YEAH!Zelda: Okay, next is Virtual League Baseball. (puts it in)
Maya: Man....are those fielders small or what?
Lucy: It's like trying to play Evil Empire on Action 52!
Maya: Doesn't quite feel like Virtual Reality to me....next!Zelda: Okay, next is Mario Clash. (puts it in)
Maya: Well, this one has to be at least half-decent.
Zelda: (awkward silence)
Lucy: Umm... Not really?
Zelda: Yeah....it's just a remake of the original Mario Bros. arcade game. That...is just pathetic.
Lucy: This doesn't need to be here...
Zelda: Another thing to note is that they swapped the buttons: A throws shells and B jumps. How do you fuck up the controls for a Mario game?
Lucy: Oh, I kinda forgot... After playing Action 52 so much, I forgot that the standard was that A is jump...
Zelda: This game goes on for 99 levels, so it's the longest Virtual Boy game. But since it causes eye strain, it shouldn't be finished in one sitting.
Lucy: Yeah... No thanks, get me outta here.Zelda: Okay, this one's a great one and very rare. AIt's called Jack Bros. (puts it in)
Maya: Awww, they look so cute!
Zelda: The plot is that you play as one of the Jack Bros. and have to reach your home before the time runs out or you'll disappear forever.
Lucy: Uh, okay... Nothing that the Super Nintendo couldn't handle...
Maya: Wow....this game's pretty short....but it looks alright....still, doesn't feel like Virtual Reality...
Lucy: Another game that shouldn't be here... It should be a SNES game...Zelda: Okay, next is Golf...yeah, just Golf. (puts it in)
Zelda: Watch and find out.
Lucy: Wow... This is boring...
Maya: Is this supposed to be red?
Zelda: No. It's really nausiating to look at.
Lucy: I'm done with this game... I don't think I can take much more of it.
Zelda: Okay, next is Wario Land, arguably the best game on the Virtual Boy. (puts it in)
Lucy: -starts playing- ...This is a good game, but it'd be much better on SNES.
Maya: This guy is so Fat.....
Zelda: Meh....we're almost done with this...
Lucy: Most of these games are better off on the Super Nintendo.Zelda: Okay, next is Panic Bomber...(puts it in)
Maya: What? A puzzle game? This isn't virtual at all!
Zelda: But it's good anyway....Lucy?
Lucy: This, should be on the Game Boy...
Maya: And aren't puzzle games most fun with friends?
Zelda: Well an extension cord was planned to hook up two Virtual Boy's, but the thing was of much of a failure, it was retired before Nintendo could release one....okay, four more left, let's get 'em over with....
Lucy: Yes, please!Zelda: Next is Vertical Force....(puts it in)
Maya: Oh no! No no no no NOOO!!!! SPACE!!! SHOOTER!!! NOT MORE OF THIS SHIT!!!! I HATE THIS SHIT!! I HATE SPACE SHOOTERS!!! THEY'RE STUPID, THEY'RE BORING, THEY DRIVE ME INSANE!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (goes apeshit insane and smashes her face into a TV)
Zelda: Yeah. I knew you'd like that sis.
Lucy: UGH! ANOTHER space shooter?! I swear, this is Action 52 all over again!!
Zelda: Well, the only 3D aspect is the plane can move between altitudes.
Lucy: Another game that's better of on the Super Nintendo, or if it can't handle it, the Nintendo 64.
Maya: Ugh, is it over....?Zelda: A couple more, Nester's Funky Bowling. (puts it in)
Maya: Who's Nester?
Zelda: A character from Nintendo Power comics.....yeah, it's kinda stupid.
Lucy: Very... Nothing virtual reality about this...
Maya: He's cute though.....
Zelda & Lucy: (look at her oddly)
Zelda: (sighs) Well, next up is 3D Tetris...(puts it in)
Lucy: Okay, I like the better attempt at the 3-D...
Zelda: I don't, it looks way too awkward and confusing. And it feels disorienting....
Maya: It doesn't look too impressive either...
Lucy: -sighs-Zelda: But now....I saved the very worst for last....the only movie-based game on this thing, and perhaps the worst possible candidate for this....Waterworld! (puts it in)
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUNN!!!!!!!!
Lucy: Oh...my...gawd... This, is teribad...
Zelda: It looks like shit, doesn't it R.O.B.?
R.O.B.: (plays clip of Dennis Hopper from the movie) It does look like shit.
Zelda: Well that's it. , R.O.B., turn projector mode off. I think you and Lucy have suffered enough.
R.O.B.: (stop projjecting the Virtual Boy screen) I swear to terminate you for this!
Lucy: UGH! -pulls away from the console and drops the controller, then hugs Maya- MY EYES!!
Maya: (cuddles with her) I feel your pain sister,....but the games weren't too bad....
Zelda; True, but they're just games you can just as easily play on a Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis. While they did try to take advantage of some 3D aspects, they made no attempt to try virtual reality. Only 22 games in total were ever released for the system; 19 in Japan, 14 in North America, and this thing didn't even last a full year!
Lucy: That punching game made an attempt though, at least with that game you can use both D-pads to control each arm, one to block and one to punch...
Zelda: Yeah, one game! ONE GAME!!!
Maya: You know....I'm going to go back to the past now....(walks to the NES closet)
Zelda: Let's play some NES classics! You in?
Lucy: Sure! -hugs Zelda-
Zelda: (hugs abck)
Episode 6: NES Black Box Games (COMPLETED)Zelda: Okay, time to go back to basics. We're gonna play the 30 Black Box NES games. (takes out 30 black NES boxes with cartridges in them)
Lucy: Okay.. Hope we're not gonna have another Action 52 expirience...
Zelda: Oh no, it's a variety. These games are broken up into 7 different genres: Action, Arcade, Educational, Light Gun, Programmable, Robot, and Sports. And if you haven't guessed already, they were released in some cool black boxes. Some of them were good, some of them were bad, and some were....okay.
Maya: Well, let's try 'em out in alphabetical order! They can't be too bad!
Lucy: Okay.Zelda: First up is 10-Yard Fight. (puts it in)
Maya: Oh! It's a football game.
Zelda; Even though it's listed under sports, this is actually an arcade port on NES. Although most Balck Box games are arcade ports nonetheless
Zelda: Okay, you have to get to ythe end zone to score a touchdown. There are no plays, you just hike the ball and you just run or pass. The NES version does good job in using both the offense and defense.
Maya: This looks so much fun! Even better than that Madden thing!
Zelda; C'mon....TOUCHDOWN!!! (high-fives her sisters)
Lucy: -high-fives Zelda- YAY!Zelda: Next up is Balloon Fight. (puts it in)
Maya: That looks dangerous....
Lucy: Looks like fun!
Zelda: The gameplay is similar to the arcade game, Joust, but instead of playing as an ostrich, you're a guy flying up and down with balloons. The object is the knock out all the other Balloon Fighters. You do that by trying to knock their balloons off and then the parachute. And if they land on the ground, hit 'em while they're pumping their balloon.
Maya: (looks really confused and really lost)
Zelda: Yeah, it may sound complicated at first, but once you get the hang of it, it's awesome! But you gotta watch out for the lightning bolts and other Balloon Fighters trying to knock you down....
Balloon Fighter: (knocked into the water)
Zelda: Like that, see?
Zelda: In Balloon Trip mode, you have to get as far as possible and collect balloons for bonus points while avoiding all these thunderbolts. You get hit once, you lose. It's kind of silly, but Balloon Fight is still a classic in its own right.
Lucy: Seems like a classic...
Zelda: Okay, next is Baseball. That's it, just Baseball. (puts it in)Lucy: Ooh...sounds kinda boring...
Zelda: The only teams ya get are A, C, D, P, R, Y....huh?
Maya: I know in baseball, the team logos are normally depicted by letters, but is that the best they could come up with?
Zelda: The players all look, field, and run the same. And they move so slow. Ugh, this is getting boring....
Maya: And apparently, you can't even control the fielders, only which base they throw it to.
Zelda: This game has not aged well, considering you can just as easily play better baseball games on the system, like Baseball Stars, the Bases Loaded series, hell even Base Wars. And that's sad, because I thought Base Wars was fucking stupid!
Lucy: Ew. Just...just ew.Zelda: Okay, what's next? Oh...Clu Clu Land. (puts it in)
Zelda: The object is to go around the board and uncover these Zelda-looking rubies which will form a shape. Honestly, there's not much to say.
Maya: This is totally weird....
Zelda: Totally agree with ya sis, not bad....but weird...
Zelda; Now onto the Donkey Kong games. First off is the original arcade game (puts it in)Lucy: Huh...what do we do for this one?
Zelda; You play as Mario in his debut game, then known as Jumpman, and have to dodge all the obstacles thrown by Donkey Kong to get to the top and rescue the girl.
Mario: (gets smashed by barrel)
Zelda: Aah, fuck!
Maya: Guess easier said than done.
Lucy: Guess so.
Zelda: Damn right! This game is one of the hardest arcade games ever made! NGH!! SHITT!!
Lucy: Arcade game? o.e
Zelda: Yeah. Okay, the last level, you have to jump or run over these yellow things to bring the structure down and send DK falling smack down on his head.
Maya: Sounds kinda weak...
Lucy: -shrugs- It is kinda funny.
Donkey Kong: (falls down and lands flat on his head)
Zelda: Yeah, that had to hurt....
Mario & Pauline: (embrace)
Lucy: Awww...Zelda: Next up is Donkey Kong Jr., again originally in the arcades. But like most Black Box games, that's sort of a standard. (puts it in)
Maya: Hmm...this is very different....now we're playing as Donkey Kong Jr, climbing up vines to save Donkey Kong from....Mario?
Zelda: Yeah. Why Mario would even want to be a douche and capture Donkey Kong, I have no bloody idea....
Lucy: Weird... Revenge?
Zelda: Well anyway, as Maya started, you have to climb up vines in order to get up to rescue Donkey Kong...DAH!!! Oh, and it's still hard. But thankfully not as hard as the original Donkey Kong.
Zelda: Much like the original Donkey Kong, the final level here is unique. Here you have to drag the keys up the slots at the top to make the structure come down.
Maya: Again...very weak.
Lucy: Ugh...any originality?
Zelda: Just watch.....
Mario & Donkey Kong: (fall down the structure)
DK Jr: (lifts DK over his head with his arms)
Maya: WHOAA MY GOODNESS!! How did he do that?
Mario: (on his back with a halo above him)
Lucy: Uhh... Donkey Kong Jr. killed Mario?Zelda: Uhhh.....well, let's move onto the last of the arcade trilogy. Donkey Kong 3. (puts it in)
Zelda: Yeah. Basically, you're a flourist named Stanley trying to defend your greenhouse form Donkey Kong and these stupid bees. If DK moves all the way to the bottom or if all your plants are gone, you lose.
Maya: So, you use pesticide spray on DK to keep him away....I really don't understand this at all.
Lucy: I don't either...
Zelda: You can only shoot upwards so the bugs can go around you....it's so pathetic, it's an absolute disgrace to the NES. So much so that after this game, Stanley just disappeared from Nintendo. All I can is good fucking ridiance!
Lucy: I know, right?Zelda: Alright, one last DK game. Donkey Kong Jr. Math (puts it in)
Maya: Oh crud. An educational game.
Zelda: And a bad, confusing, and boring one at that.
Zelda: Okay, I'm getting tired of this. If I wanted to be educated, I'd go to school, not play on my NES! So to hell with this. (throws the cartridge off-screen) Next up is DuckHunt, one of the original launchtitles on the NES. (puts it in)Lucy: So this is a gun game...?
Zelda: It's a Light Gun game. You basically shoot ducks. it's a true classic and pretty fun. But it has one fatal flaw that nearly kills it.
Zelda: (misses a duck)
Dog: (laughs at her)
Zelda: That! Stupid! Fucking! Dog!
Lucy: It's laughing! It's laughing at you!! KILL EET!
Zelda; Ya can't, and that;s why I hate it so much!
10 minutes later....
Dog: (keeps laughing when she misses)
Zelda:........ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT!!! (strange light energy builds up in her hands and through the Zapper)
Dog: (still laughing)
Zelda: (shoots at it and blows it's head off)......(blows the tip) Phew. Thank god....
Lucy: Uhh... Did you damage the TV doing that...?
Zelda: I don't care if I did, I can't stand that mut!!......(drinks) Alright, what's next? Oh, Excitebike! This'll be exciting! (puts it in)Lucy: Ohhh...hahahaha...so funny...
Maya: Racing on dirt? I...don't really see the point....
Zelda: There are two different modes: Time Trial and Race. In both modes, you are in a race against the clock. It is a very fun racing game, but it's also pretty challenging.
Lucy: Well, that's good... Fun but challenging...
Zelda: There's also a design-a-track feature, but you can't save them since Excitebike doesn't have the Battery Back-Up
Maya: Well then what's the point of having a create a track mode if you can't even save your created tracks?
Zelda: I haven't the slightest idea. But it's still a great game nonetheless.
Lucy: Well, you at least have the option for it, Maya. I guess that's what counts...
Zelda: Next up is Golf, yeah just Golf...ugh. (puts it in)Lucy: Ugh... Last time I saw Golf was in red and black...
Zelda: Well....it's pretty boring, dull, controls are bad, and it doesn't tell you how hard you should hit the ball and with which club. This is an absolutely horrible NES Sports game and I'd have more fun watching golf on TV. That's saying something right there.
Lucy: Great... At least there's no RED! GAH!Zelda: Well how do you wash the taste of one shitty game? With another: Gumshoe! And boy is this a big pile of crap! (puts it in)
Maya: Ummm....doesn't "gumshoe" mean detective or something?
Lucy: Uhh...I wouldn't know...
Maya: Well that doesn't even look like a detective.
Zelda: Well, your "gumshoe" has to go around the levels to rescue his daughter. Now you use the Zapper in the traditional way of shooting obsticles. But you also use it....to make you character jump!
Lucy: Uh... Weird...
Zelda: Yeah, if ya want a short ride to the top of the Empire State Building, just shoot yourself a hundred times.
Gumshoe: (gets killed)'
Zelda: Ugh! This fucking thing hardly even works! You can shoot all you want, but it is impossible to pass teh first level of this game! I hate it so fucking much! UGH!!!!
Lucy: -sarcastically- You know you're playing an awesome game when you can't beat the first level when you're trying as hard as you can...
Zelda: Next is the other launch title of the NES; Gyromite. (puts it in)
Lucy: Gyromite huh...?
Maya: Why is it called "Robot Gyro" on the title screen?
Zelda: Because this is one of two games where R.O.B. can be used! But we need the gyro stuff first....
Lucy: Huuh? R.O.B. can actually be used on games? I don't know...
R.O.B.: I am R.O.B.: Robotic Operating Buddy, Accessory for Nintendo Entertainment System. Games Compatible: Gyromite, Stack-Up. Gyromite pieces required to operate.
Lucy: So...uh...where are the Gyromite pieces...?
R.O.B.: Closet. Top shelf.
Lucy: -goes into the closet to the top shelf, and starts rummaging around- What the heck am I looking for?! Stuff that says "NES" or "ROB"?
Maya: I see it. It's to the right.
Lucy: -pulls out a weird contraption with a red and blue "button"- ...This thing?
R.O.B.: Affirmative. But you are missing the Gyros and spinner.
Lucy: Where are they then?!
R.O.B.: Top shelf. Left side.
Lucy: -pulls out a container with a spinner and tops in it- ...These?
Lucy: -sarcastically- Do you need a Flux Capacitor with that?
R.O.B.: Negative. But I need the spinner.
Maya: Got it!5 minutes later.....
Maya: R.O.B., mind me asking why do you need all of this stuff?
R.O.B.: Insufficient data. Ask Nintendo that one.
Lucy: Wow... Might be good if you're just playing by yourself, but probably better with another person if it's possible...
Zelda: Well, Gyromite can be played without R.O.B., but you need two controllers. Pressing the start button allows R.O.B. to follow certain commands. (presses start)
(the screen flashes blue and R.O.B.'s eyes flash a bit)
Zelda: The A button activates the blue pillars, and the B button activates the red pillars. It's a pretty fun game, where Professor Hector has to deactivate some dynamite bombs before the time runs out. It has a nice upbeat music. You don't jump or attack. The enemies are called Smicks and can only be avoided by ether smashing them with the pillars, or by feeding them food throughout the area.
Lucy: Uhh... Okay...
R.O.B.: (for the mostpart, acts very well)Zelda: But yeah, pretty good. Next is Hogan's Alley. (puts it in)
Maya: Looks like an old-school FPS.
Zelda: That's because it is and old-school FPS.
Zelda; Basically you shoot the gang members and try to refrain from shooting the innocent bystanders. And if ya missed me playing Duckhunt.....you don't fuck with me when I'm using Light Guns!
Lucy: -raises her hands in surrender- We know that, we KNOW that!
Zelda: (shoots lots of gang members) Chuck Norris ain't got nothin' on me!
Lucy: That's debatable, but not gonna argue...Zelda: Next up is Ice Climber! (puts it in)
Maya: Those climbers look awfully familiar....
Zelda: That's because the Ice Climbers--Popo and Nana--would go on to reappear in the Super Smash Bros. games. Anyway, the object is to make it ti the top of the mountain by smashing small blocks, and hitting enemies. What's cool about this game is you can choose which level you wanna start from.
Lucy: But I'm sure you still have to play them all, right?
Zelda: Pretty much. There is some sort of challenge. If you make it to the top, there's this sort of bonus stage where you collect several veggies and then grab onto a pteradactyl. Ice Climber is a fun game, but it's fairly forgettable.
Lucy: Huh... Well I can see why, the title is pretty basic...
Zelda: Okay, half-way through the Black Box games. Next is the arcade classic Kung-Fu Master, or just Kung-Fu. (put it in)Lucy: Uhh... Kung-Fu... Fighter game, that's all I get out fo it...
Zelda: Actually it's a beat-em-up game and the first one too. It helped pave the way for other games of its kind, such as Final Fight, Double Dragon, Battletoads, and Streets of Rage. You play as Tommy, a Kung-Fu Master who has to rescue his girlfriend Sylvia from some punks. You have many attacks that help you out.
Lucy: Well, I guess it's good, for being the first...
Zelda: But Mr. X, the final boss, is where I totally lose it. He is a kung-fu master, he blocks my attacks, regains his health, and will kick your ass!
Mr. X: (beats Tommy)
Zelda: Just like that!
Lucy: Umm...unfair boss? LIKE THE RINO MAN?! ANYONE?!
Zelda: Okay, you're getting it now.....
5 minutes later....
Zelda:....YES!! GOT YO ASS!!!!
Lucy: Yay! Go Zelda!Zelda: Next up is Mach Rider, a sort of F-Zero prequel thing....(puts it in)
Maya: So you're on another bike, shooting dune buggies....
Zelda: You have to avoid crashing into enemies and oil drums and shoot everything ya see.
Maya: So it's like a Michael Bay film?
Zelda:......Yeah. Let's go with that....you do have a rearview mirror, but it's still hard to figure out where they're gonna go. And the action is so fasta nd intense, it's like blast-processing!
Lucy: Okay then... This is going over my head.
Zelda: You can also create your own course but like Excitebike, you can't save them!
Maya: Well what's the point?!
Lucy: Well, at least you can make them....
Maya: Meh, I guess....okay, what's next?
Zelda: Next is another arcade classic: Mario Bros. (puts it in)Lucy: A Mario game!
Zelda: Yup. The first time for Mario to shine as his own star, as well a the introduction to his brother Luigi, but only seen through 2-player mode. The object is to rid the sewers of a bunch of critters. You do this by punching the floor up and then going up to kick them. Except the crabs, you need two punches before you can kick 'em.
Maya: Wow....sounds simple, but looks fun
Zelda: It's a very enjoyable game and a great arcade gem.
Maya: Okay, next up....
Zelda: Ugh, Pinball. Not a big fan of Pinball games on home consoles, but let's give it a whirl....(puts it in)
Lucy: -covers her eyes- TOO. MUCH. RED! LAST TIME I SAW PINBALL IT WAS ON THAT PIECE OF CRAP FOR RED GOGGLES!
Zelda: Relax, this is nowhere like Galactic Pinball. For one thing, it's actually fun and addicting. This is a notable exception when it comes to pinball on consoles.
Zelda: There's also a bonus stage where Mario is using some sort of breakout thing to rescue Pauline and try catching her.
Maya: I...fail to see the point...
Lucy: Variety?Zelda: Okay, while we're on the subject of arcades, here comes Popeye! (puts it in)
Maya: Oh, I love that show! And from what I understand, many Japanese have said that this was their first Famicom game.
Zelda: The object is to collect many different objects dropped by Olive Oyl while avoiding Brutus. In the first level, it's hearts, second level it's notes, and third level it's letters that spell "Help Me".
Maya: Hey look, the spinach!
Zelda: Limited invinicbility. Okay, here we go...
Popeye: (eats teh spinach and punches Brutus down to the bottom)
Maya: BAM!! (does a Popeye laugh)
Lucy: -laughs- That's funny Maya.
Zelda; The last level is pretty difficult. You have to grab letters that spell "Help", which will make pieces of a ladder to appear. Once the ladder's done, you've beaten the game.
Maya: What's so difficult about that?
Zelda: First off, you have to collect so many letters and it's one step at a time. Not to mention, you have to deal with not just Brutus but also this vulture which has taken Olive Oyl.
Popeye: (killed by the vulture inbetween teh eyes)
Zelda: UGH!! Stupid bird!
Zelda: Okay, that's it!
Popeye: (grabs the spinach and beats up both enemies)
Maya: (laughs like Popeye)
Lucy: -laughs-Zelda: So yeah, a great game. Okay, next is Pro Wrestling, and it's 10 times better than wrestling today! (puts it in)
Maya: Hmm....Fighter Hayabusa, Star Man, Kin Corn Karn, Giant Panther, The Amazon, and King Slender...intresting.
Lucy: A fighter game...?
Zelda: Wrestling game. Notice the attention to detail done. There's the moving ref, the announcers, the crowd, the cool moves, and even a cameraman outside the ring.
Maya: Wow.....Star Man's the coolest!
Lucy: I know, right?
Zelda; It's a great NES sports game and arguably one of the best. Definately better than the LJN wrestling games.
Lucy: I have a feeling LJN is bad news...
Zelda: Oh, we'll get to them sometime, sis! But in teh meantime, let's go to Slalom. (put it in)Lucy: Uhh...skiing?
Zelda: Yup. Like Excitebike, it's a race against the time limit. You go down the hills, avoiding the other skiiers and the trees. It's fun, yet monotinous.
Zelda: In later levels, you have to also face snowmen and....kids on sleds?!
Maya: What kind of ski resort is this?! Do these kids actually want to get killed?!
Lucy: What the heck?!
Zelda: Ugh...next! Okay, we got Soccer. (puts it in)
Lucy: Soccer...just soccer?
Zelda: Yeah. Just soccer. Well you control okay. But the game at times just feels a bit too easy.
Maya: Wow.....10 goals already and it's only the first half?
Lucy: Empty net, much?Zelda: Alright, next is Stack-Up. (puts it in)
Maya: "Robot Block?" Let me guess, we use R.O.B. for this one too.
Zelda: Yup. First we need the stands and 5 colored blocks.
Lucy: Maya, you're looking for them. I went after R.O.B.'s Gyromite crap.
Maya: Okay. (searchs through the closet and finds some strange pieces) You mean these things?
R.O.B.: Affirmative. Place on five front parts.
Maya: (begins doing so) Okay, you're all set Zel--
R.O.B.: ERROR! ERROR!!
Maya; What now?
R.O.B.: You forgot 5 colored blocks.
Maya: (groans and goes back to the closet)
Maya: (gets out some strange colored blockd and puts one on each tray)
Lucy: Ugh... Just get this started already...
Zelda: Okay, you press on certain blocks to make commands for R.O.B. You get these commands by doing 5 in a row either vertically or horizontally. But these stupid troll-things, whatever they are. They can screw up the pattern, foricng R.O.B. to do the wrong command.
R.O.B.: I hate those things. (forced to drop somehwere he didn't want to) Fuck those things....
Lucy: But you're not a normal R.O.B. machine, R.O.B., can't you override the wrong command?
R.O.B.: Affirmative.....(begins to do better)
Zelda: But Stack-Up...no matter how many times I play this...I just don't get it....
Lucy: I don't get this either...
Zelda: Alright, time for something I'm sure everyone has heard of: Super Mario Bros.! (puts it in)Lucy: Yay! A good game!
Zelda: Good?! GOOD?! This game is an absolute classic and one of the best! What do I need to say that hasn't been said already? It's got great secrets, enemies, music, it's just absolutely fucking awesome! It is the top-selling video game of all time and like I said, one of the best!
Lucy: And don't forget the most memorable.
Zelda: Well, we got five more games left. So, let's head for Tennis. (puts it in)
Maya: Okay, why do the players move so fast?
Lucy: It's like Micro Mike from Action 52!
Zelda: Ugh, this takes forever, and it's hard to even whack the ball when you're moving as fast as Lucy's dad! UGH, ASS!!!
Lucy: Lovely... Speed isn't everything...Zelda: Now we're onto one of the first fighting games: Urban Champion. (puts it in)
Maya: Wait....no character select screen? You just play as two generic fighters?....That's just stupid!
Zelda: Oh, that's just the nitpicks, sis!
Zelda: The object of the game isn't to knock your opponent out but to kncok him down an open manhole.
Zelda: yeah....now in this game, you only get two moves: a light punch and a heavy punch. That's it. No jumping, no kicking, no special moves. All ya get is a glorified boxing match, but if boxing were boring as fuck. This is quite possibly the worst fighting fighting game ever made.
Zelda:...okay the second worst.
R.O.B.: Kasumi Ninja.
Zelda: Alright, third worst
R.O.B.: Full House Tournament Fighter
Zelda: Alright, fourth-worst....
R.O.B.: Super Smash Bros. Bra--
Zelda: ALRIGHT, I GET THE POINT!!! (sighs) Anyway, just three games left, so let's get 'em over with. Next up is Volleyball. (puts it in)Lucy: Umm...just volleyball?
Zelda: You only control the US team, which really sucks.
Maya: Uhhh...is he....humping the ball?!....he is! That player is humping the ball!
Lucy: Eww! And I thought Cheetamen II was bad on the suggestive images!
Zelda: The controls feel stiff and it's hard to tell where to go. But at least the players don't move as fast. But even so, these volleys go on forever....
Lucy: Boring, much?
Zelda: Very....ugh, why does it take so long to score a damn point?!
Lucy: Okay, I'm ready to sleep, next!Zelda: Next up is Wild Gunman, another light gun game. (puts it in)
Maya: This looks like the type of game Jesse would enjoy...
Lucy: Yay, cowboys....
Bandit: (walking along the screen)
Zelda: (getting ready)......draw!
Zelda: (quickdraws her zapper and shoots)
Bandit: (falls dead)
Lucy: This looks like it can get boring after a while...
Zelda: It can sort of, but the personalities of the enemies keep it a little bit intresting....
Zelda: In game mode B you have to shoot two at a time, though sometiomes only 1 will shout fire. And game mode C's a lot like Game Mode B in Hogan's Alley. An okay game, but again, I think only Jesse would like this.
Lucy: Probably...Zelda: Alright, last game: Wrecking Crew. (puts it in)
Maya: Wait.....I thought Mario was a plumber, not a construction worker?
Lucy: It's game logic...
Zelda: The object of the game is to go around the level and destroy all the stairs, walls, bombs, doors, everything. You can't jump or defend yourself against the....very strange enemies. It's a senseless game, but it's nothing too bad...
Lucy: Probably something to play if you're bored out of your mind...
Zelda: Well, being it's programmable, Wrecking Crew has a level designer, but like most other programmable games, you can't save them....
Zelda: Well....it's more of a guilty pleasure for me.....
Zelda: Well that's all the Black Box NES games. 30 Nintendo titles. We played some good games, some bad games, so okay games, and overall....I had some fun.
Lucy: Yeah, most of them looked fun.
Zelda: But next time.....we go Mega Fun! (puts on a Mega Man helmet)
Episode 7: Mega Man 8 (COMPLETED)
Zelda: C'mon, where's an intresting Mega Man game?
Lucy: Uhh... There's so many...
Maya: Maybe you should've thought this through, Zel--hello? (picks up a CD case) I found one! It's Mega Man 8!
Zelda: (awkward silent) Uhhh....well, I guess it'll do...
Zelda: Mega Man 8 was the eighth installment to the classic Mega Man series. It's like the spiritual cousin to Mega Man X4, because they were released for the Sony Playstation and Sega Saturn, and notorious for some great graphics, but hilariously bad voice acting!
Maya: Oh boy.....
Zelda: Now we'll be playing the Saturn version of it.
Zelda: I'll show you in a minute....(puts the game in and turns the power on)
Lucy: ...Is there a difference?
Zelda: As a matter of fact, there is...
Lucy: Great...Zelda: Well the intro looks nice at least until.....
Bass: Mega Man, today we finish this!
Mega Man: Hey Bass (pronounces it "bass", like a fish), why must I fight you?! We are not enemies!
Bass: Shut up!
Maya: ._____. My god, that sounds terrible!
Lucy: What, is that black dude a fish?! Doesn't look like one!
Zelda: He's supposed to be pronounced Bass as in like an instrument....my god.
Maya: Okay, the first level....looks really creepy cuz it's set on a skull island...
Rush: (pops a strange ball out for Mega Man)
Zelda: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the lamest Mega Man weapon ever; THE MEGA BALL!!!
Lucy: ...Really? That's all they got?
Zelda: This is absolutly moronic! I rarely use this as an actually weapon, but actually its other feature if you use it while in mid air, you will execute a double-jump.
Maya: Honestly......it sounds like a shitty version of the Rush Coil..
Lucy: Not even...
Zelda: So anyway, Dr. Wily has found a strange meteorite that contains a large amount of evil energy and is using it to power his newest creations, which means Mega Man has to go out and stop him....
Maya: Same. Old. Crap.
Lucy: ...Isn't this just regurtitated crap over and over again?
Zelda: The Robot Masters this time are just stock. To start, we only get four of them, like with Mega Man 7. Clown Man? Grenade Man? Now I'm aware that these were all fan made this time around, but couldn't they have been at least a bit more creative?
Lucy: -sighs- I'm not even entertaining that one...Zelda: Well....just look at Clown Man's stage....
Lucy: ...Are you kidding me?
Maya: I feel like I've gone to the circus!
Zelda: This is one of the most tedious and annoying stages ever, mostly because of those stupid bell puzzles!
Lucy: It's tedious just to look at it! Ew!
Zelda: If you stand on the circles, you're safe. Stand on the x's, something happens to you. Stand on the skulls, you fall into a pit of spikes and die. But there are these question marks that teleport you to a different floor of one part that you need it to get to Clown Man. And it is so tedious!
Mega Man: (going up and down from the blocks)
Zelda: And there's even one block that takes you to an underground section, where you find a bolt. Yes, the shop is back and you find more bolts to upgrade your shit too.
Mega Man: (fighting Clown Man)
Maya: This Clown Man is so fucking creepy! One of his attacks is having him grab Mega Man's mega balls!...sicko!
Clown Man: (dies) See you in my dreams!
Lucy: ...Ew!! Never!!
Zelda: His weapon, the Thunder Claw, is still useful. Helpful as a whip and as a grappler that you use in stages. It's a lot of fun!
Lucy: Well that's better than that Mega Ball...ew...Zelda: Now one of the reasons I chose the Sega Saturn version is cuz the song played on Tengu Man's stage here....is a HELL of a lot better than the one on the Playstation!
Maya: o____o (starts to dance to the music)
Zelda: (jams out as she kicks ass on the next few levels)
Lucy: Cool!Zelda: Frost Man's stage has some soothing music.....but annoying voices....especially with this sled segment.
"JUMP JUMP!! JUMP JUMP!! SLIDE SLIDE!! SLIDE SLIDE!!"
Maya: What's the point? Why not just the simple sign telling you what to do?
Lucy: Guess they thought gamers would be that stupid. Which is a complete flop of an idea.
Zelda: And y'know what's really awesome? We gotta put up with this shit during Wily's castle!! This, is a travesty!
Frost Man: FREEZE!!! I'LL CRUSH YOU!!!! I'LL MAKE A POPSICLE OF YOU!!!
Girls: O_______________________________________O (drink up)
Maya: This guy sounds like that big fat cat that is always fishing and looking up my skirt for some frog!
(extremely awkward silence)
Lucy: ...Wh-Wh-Who's next...?Zelda: Now we get.....this....
Maya: Who does this guy think he is, Elmer Fudd?!
Lucy: o.e I don't want to know...
Dr. Light: When we find that meteor, we'll find Doctah Wahwee!
Zelda: (groans and sips her drink)
Lucy: o__e -drinks- Have you taken some sort of long break from speaking...? Because you can't really talk...Zelda: Well now we got a middle stage, and we can get one of the few Sega Saturn bonuses: An optional mini-boss: Cut Man!!
Maya: That's cool!
Lucy: Yeah! Really cool throwback!
Cut Man: I won't lose this time!
30 seconds later.....
Cut Man: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zelda: Bye Cut Man! Nice seeing ya again!
Zelda: But if you thought the voice acting before was god awful......just listen....
Mega Man: (screams realy loud and rather annoyingly)
Lucy: Eeeek!! I don't want to know...!!
Mega Man: (does not stop)
R.O.B.: (plays clip from Kindergarten Cop) SHUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lucy: Ugh...that...is TERRIBLE!!!! -drinks up-
Zelda: Okay, now we get the next four Robot Masters, which look a lot better, I must say!
Maya: Aqua Man? Like that superhero?!
Maya: Forget it....
Zelda: Anywho....let's tackle him cuz OH MY GOD, DOES HE IRRITATE ME!!Lucy: Uhh...why...?
Aqua Man: I'm Aqua Man, but you can call me handsome guy!
Maya: .............................. (drinks)
Zelda: That's why! (groans) Well at least his soundtrack is really soothing....
Lucy: ...I think some of our brothers are more "handsome" that that... -drinks-
Zelda: You said it!
Lucy: Ugh... -sighs-Zelda: Next is Sword Man, and his stupid puzzle level. Where you actually use all other weapons you got in the first four levels to advance. It's tedious, boring, and completely unneccessary!
Lucy: ...Swords...equal...fire...? Um...
Lucy: ...How...does...that work...? Somone please...explain...
Maya: Well it's actually quite simple (goes into long detail about it)
Lucy: -eyes roll around, getting really confused- OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY!! EEEEK!! -holds head-
Lucy: -lying on the ground, extremely dazed and confused-Zelda: Anyway....in Search Man's stage you will find one last Sega Saturn exclusive.....
Maya: Wood Man?!
Lucy: Huh..? The tree?
Zelda: And a badass tree. He's a bit harder here than on the NES. Guess he came well prepared this time.
Zelda:....But I still kick his ass!
Maya:....Astro Man? Does this mean....?(it starts off in.....a cyber paradise?)
Maya: AAAHH!!!! PLEASE, NO!! NOT SPACE, NOT SPACE, NOT--a flower garden?
Zelda: It's a virtual reality, and it's got a maze. And I fucking hate this maze! It goes on forever and it drives me fucking nuts!
Lucy: Eww...that color would make me nausious after a while...
Astro Man: Oh no! How did you find me?!
Zelda: The internet, Astro Man....
Lucy: That thing sounds so stupid...
Zelda: Now we go to Dr. Wily's castle and take on that bastard!
Zelda: And boy are these stages boring!....well besides a mini-boss fight with Bass, and --for fucks sake, another Devil boss!
Lucy: WAH! NO! NO!
Maya: This one....is thankfully really easy, it seems.
Lucy: ...Wait what? ...Easy...Devil boss...that's an oxymoron...it just is...
Lucy: ...How is it possible?
Zelda: He's even easier in Mega Man & Bass. And he's the intro boss to that game, too!
Zelda; I know right?!Lucy: Ugh...how can it get worse...?
Zelda: The final boss....
Lucy: ...What? Just...what?
Zelda: The first part is farily easy, once ya know what to do. But then....the capsule part, oh I hate this....
Lucy: Capsule? You actually have to fight it?
Lucy: ...That's so stupid.
Zelda: And it's so hard to hit. You have to hit the very bottom of it to damage it! And it's just so tedious!
Lucy: ...The bottom? Really?
Zelda: Ugh! Well it's finally over!
Lucy: There wraps up another Mega Man game...
Zelda: My god, this was such a piece of garbage! No thought went into this and it's really pathetic seeing classic Mega Man do nothing different when the X series and Mega Man Legends were already booming at the point of this and Mega Man 7.
Lucy: Ugh...guess they just wanted to feed the die-hard Classic fans...
Zelda: Word of advice: if ya wanna get this game, get the Saturn version! At least there's a good reason to keep playing this version! Fuck Mega Man 8! Now if you'll excuse us, we're gonna do some Christmas decorating! (gets up)
Episode 8: Wisdom Tree Games (COMPLETED)
Maya: (setting up Christmas decorations)
Lucy: -helping decorating, humming to some Christmas tunes-
Zelda:.....Maya, do you really expect Drake to actually come into my apartment for the holidays?
Zelda: Then why did you both put up three mistletoes?
Maya: (blushing) Ummm.....
Lucy: Wait, what? These are mistletoes?
Maya: I only put up some!
Lucy: Uhh... -completely lost-
Lucy: I have no idea what's up with Maya...I'm staying out of this one...
R.O.B.: (wearing a Santa hat) Wishes to capture and kiss the object of her affection underneath tree thing.
Maya: (blushing) I do NOT!!
R.O.B.: Do too.
Maya: Do not!
R.O.B.: Do too.
Maya: Do NOT!!!
R.O.B.: Do too!
Maya: Ooh, forget it! Let's just play something!
Lucy: Honestly that wouldn't surprise me...
Zelda: Well, I can't name that many Christmas games.....but there sure are a lot of Bible games!
Maya: Games based on the Bible?
Lucy: No, games based on the newspaper.
R.O.B.: Sarcasm, unappreciated.
Maya:.....What he said.
Zelda: They were all made by a Christian gaming company named Wisdom Tree, formerly part of Color Dreams. They made unlicensed NES games and sold them at Christian bookstores, since Nintendo become pretty strict about unlicensed games hitting big retailers at this time.Maya: Oh cool! Bible Adventures.....that's first, I think. (puts it in the Retron)
Zelda: Three games in one, let's start with Noah's Ark. Here, you play as Noah, where you need to pick some animals up and carry them to the Ark.
Maya: Isn't the Ark supposed to be in space or--?
Zelda: Not that Ark, Maya!
Lucy: This one's a boat.
Maya: Oooohh, that Ark!
Zelda: Yeah.....basically ya gotta get two of each animal in the Ark. But the pigs are a bitch that won't stay unless ya knock 'em out with something.
Lucy: That's annoying...
Zelda: Even more annoying; when you jump and you have an ox, it will fall off of you. Really a bitch.
Maya: But how do you get those snakes?
Lucy: ...Doesn't look like you do.
R.O.B.: Error! Error!
Zelda: What now?!
R.O.B.: Those are decoy snakes! The true snakes are hidden high in the cliffs.
Lucy: ...Decoys?! What the heck is with that?!
Zelda: We're not done with this cartridge yet though. Next is Baby Moses. The object is to make it to end of the stage, whilst carrying Baby Moses.
Maya: Well how do you defend yourself against the soldiers?
Zelda: Simple....you can't!
Lucy: That's terrible! No defense?! What is this, Action 52?!
Maya: Lucy, don't even joke about that! Please!
Lucy: Well it might as well be a repeat! Multiple crap games on the same cartridge! The last game's probably just the same!
Maya:....For some reason, I can't stop saying Baby Moses.....Zelda, ya beat the game, but you forgot...(giggles) Baby Moses!
Zelda: No, I just didn't want him!
Lucy: ...Wait what?
Zelda: Last game is David and Goliath. Would sound fun....if ya didn't have to just pick up all these stupid sheep!
Lucy: ...Yeah, this feels so much like Action 52, totally.
Zelda: The most fun I have is with this squirrel. I tell ya, that squirrel does some weird things.
(the squirrel starts to scale the sky)
Lucy: Wha? Uhh...do I WANT to know?
Zelda: You thought this was weird? Get a load of this: Bible Buffet!
Maya:......Are you serious?
Lucy: ...That's the best they can do?Zelda: (puts it in the Retron) This is one of the weirdest games ever.....it's almost like Candy Land in a way.
Lucy: ...Really? Really? That's a lack of creativity...
Maya: Oh my god it's talking!
(Maya loses a turn)
Maya: Darn it!
Zelda: When you land on a space, you go into like this Mario Party game where you collect food and kill these steroid food with knives and....exploding pancakes.
Lucy: Wait what?
Zelda: Well, everything else is like food, so I call these oil drums exploding pancakes.
Lucy: Huh...I see...
Zelda: Occasionally, you'll be asked some trivia questions. But the problem is, the questions aren't in the game. They're in the manuel. How hard is it to put the questions in the game itself?!
Zelda: Other than that, it's actually a good game, and nice to play with some friends and family. But still, how weird a game is this?
Maya:....(gets the sad face again) I think Chaos hates me...
Lucy: It's sad that one of the better games, is better off as a board game.Zelda: Next up is Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land. (puts it in)
Lucy: That sounds promising.
Zelda: Believe it or not this is actually a clone of a Color Dreams game, Crystal Mines, except playing as Moses and with some quizzes about the Bible.
Maya: Sounds dumb.
Zelda: It is extremely metonious, but that's not all. They used the same game to make Joshua, which the only real difference is that you play as...well, Joshua.
Zelda: And there's more; they also made Gameboy ports, which look OKAY....for Game Boy games anyway....
Zelda: Ya wanna be really dumb? Wisdom Tree released on the GameBoy the King James Bible.
Maya:.....They seriously put the whole bible on a Game Boy cartridge?
Zelda: Yup! Well, there are also some dull mini-games....
Lucy: ...That's wasteful.Zelda: Tell me about it....NEXT!! The king of Kings!
Maya: Three more games....ugh!
Lucy: ...Is it just me, or did they not put that much thought into these games?
Zelda: First up is Wise Men. Your goal is to make it to Bethlahem while riding your camel.
Lucy: ...Okay? Simple enough...
Zelda: When you pick up a scroll, it'll make you answer a question about the Bible. If ya get it right, you gain an extra life But what ruins it is that it happens during gameplay and interupts the flow of the game.
Maya: And why are cactuses trying to kill you?
Lucy: Uhh...I don't think I wanna know...
Zelda: Next is Flight to Egypt. You are on a donkey with a stupid kick that....ugh....
Maya: This Wisdom Tree thing is not making me very religious anymore, so please let's go for Jesus and the Temple.
Zelda: I find it funny how it's called "Jesus and the Temple", but you're playing as Saint Joseph. Anyway, this sucks. These logs are so dumb, jumping is impossible and....goddammit!
Lucy: Ugh...Zelda: Next up is Spiritual Warfare. This is one of the better Wisdom Tree games. (puts it in)
Lucy: Better? Better than rock bottom I guess.
Maya: That music can do some work.....
Zelda: This is an almost exact replica of Legend of Zelda!
Maya: No way! You have your own video game?!
Zelda: (awkward stare)
Lucy: Um...I don't think so, Maya.
Zelda: It's fine....but what kills this game is not having a battery back-up like in Zelda. Instead it's a stupid password system...WHY?!
Lucy: -_-; That's problematic.
Zelda: Tell me about it....
Zelda: Alright, last NES game is Sunday Funday. (puts it in)
R.O.B.: The final NES game ever released. A shameful end....
Maya: That's not good....
Lucy: Sounds like a bad finisher...Zelda: This is actually a religious remake of another Color Dreams game, Menace Beach, infamous for it's horrendous control and design, and it's, uh....(clears throat) Sexual themes....
Lucy: ...Wait what?
Zelda: Yeah, inbetween levels, the hero's girlfriend slowly gets her clothes ripped off saying "her clothes are starting to rot." Not to mention she's being a bitch about it.
Maya: Wouldn't she have died of starvation before that happened? And why does she look much older tha--
(girls look awkwardly at each other)
Maya: Umm....how is this a religious game again?Zelda: You're a kid that's trying to beat up some punks on your way....to CCD...Sunday School.....
Maya: How hard is this anyway? Why are you going through sewers, towns, and beaches just to get to Church? And why do all these kids and plumbers that want him dead?
Zelda: Yeah, this kid has had quite the day thus far.
Zelda: I really hate these springs! I try to get to a certain part in the level, but the springs bounce me in places I don't want them to!
Kid: (gets sprung all over into a hole)
Lucy: Why have these here? Really, I heard of challenge, but this is annoyance.
Zelda: And these stupid light switches and shit, URGH!!!!!
Lucy: -_-" Sounds to me we need to move on to another game.
Zelda: This game actually has two bonuses, one is a game called Fish Fall, almost like Super Glove Ball...ALMOST!
Lucy: I'm getting annoyed just watching you...Zelda: There's one more thing....it's a kareoke....
Maya: Oh my god, I love this song! (goes to sing it beautifully)
Maya: (winks as she finishes the song)
(everyone applauds her)
Zelda: That was a great performance, Maya!
Lucy: That was for Drake, right? -giggles-
Maya: (blushing) N-No!!
Lucy: Heeheehee... Riiiiiight... -giggles-
Zelda: Well....just one more Wisdom Tree game....Super Noah's Ark 3D
Maya: (looks at the cartridge) This looks like--
Zelda: The cartridge for Little Red Hood and Sonic & Knuckles. And this is the only unlicensed Super Nintendo game in existance.
Maya: This is it?
Zelda; Yeah. New lock-out chip that's more powerful than the ones in the NES.
R.O.B.: Solution: place licensed SNES cartridge onto Super Noah's Ark 3D cartridge to override lock-out.Lucy: -puts Mega Man X2 onto the cartridge-
Zelda: Not a wise choice of games associated....
Lucy: -shrugs- It's licenced, right?
Zelda: Guess so....
Lucy: Well then...
Maya: This game looks like Wolfenstein.
Zelda: That's because it is Wolfenstein....
Zelda: You play as Noah shooting fruit at goats.....yeah, shooting at goats.
Zelda:....This is really bad....ugh...
Lucy: No kidding...
Zelda: There was even a rumor that it actually allowed Wisdom Tree to make this imitation as some sort of vengeance act for the censorship of Wolfenstein. However, as far as I can tell, that's not true at all.
Lucy: Vengeance? Okay?
Zelda: Ugh.....that's it, I can't take this! This is beyond stupid!
Lucy: You said it...
Zelda: Bottom line, Wisdom Tree games sucked balls! They were disgraces to the right of Christianity, and make you regret ever playing an NES game! Next time, I'm playing a REAL Christmas game!
Lucy: I'd hate to imagine that one...
Episode 9: Home Alone (COMPLETED)
Zelda: Ugh...need a real Christmas game....
Maya: Something to make up for that awful Wisdom Tree mess....
Lucy: I'm not sure if there is one to be blatently honest...
Zelda: There has to be one....
Lucy: I'm not so optimistic...
Zelda: Hmm....well now! We got some games based on Home Alone!
Maya: Awesome! I love that movie!
Lucy: Games based on movies...don't those kind of games have a bad track record?
Zelda: (awkward pause)
Lucy: ...I'm right, aren't I?
Lucy: At least I think that's the trend...Zelda: Let's begin with the NES version. (puts it in)
Maya: Wait....that's supposed to be Kevin McAllister? That looks nothing like him! And the way he walks is ridiculous!
Zelda: The plot is that you have to fend off the Wet Bandits for twenty minutes until the police arrive. You lay out traps and run away pretty slowly while the adults run the speed of an Olympic athlete. If they catch you, game over!
Lucy: That's not fair... If you're supposed to run away, then at least run the speed that Mario has or faster...
Zelda: It doesn't help that you run so slow on the stairs, but not them! And shouldn't a little kid be faster than an adult?! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!
Lucy: They threw about the word "challenge", but they mistake it for "annoy".
Zelda: AGH!! DAMN IT!! SON OF A--!!! URRRGGHH!!!!!!!!
Lucy: Mhm...Maya: Man, fuck this! Super Nintendo please?
Lucy: Either good, or super crap...
Maya: (puts it in) Apparently, it is actually after the film....spoiler much?
Maya: Gang? I thought Harry and Marv were the only ones--oh forget it!
Zelda: Basicaly, you need to collect all the things in the house and put them down the laundry chute. Yeah, cuz the theives won't ever think to look down the laundrymat!
Lucy: Ugh...game logic...
Maya: These bandits are the most cliche I've ever seen. But at least you have a weapon this time....
Lucy: An attack is standard...
Zelda: These items come out of the weirdest things ever! Money out of toilets? Pizza out of a bathtub? And how big is this house?! It's not that big in the movie!
Lucy: But this is after the movie remember, they could've reno--ah forget it, game logic.
Zelda: It's only SLIGHTLY better than the NES version....but that's not saying much.
Lucy: Nintendo version, crap. Super Nintendo version, super crap.Zelda: Surprisingly, the Genesis version was superior....not by much, but it's still better than the ones on Nintendo! (puts it in)
Lucy: Does "Genesis does, what nintendon't" apply here?
Zelda: Pretty much. In this version, Kevin has to protect the entire neighborhood from getting looted. Ya get items and traps to lay down and make weapons to take them down.
Lucy: That's kinda better than the Ninetendo versions, not running from jerks all the time.
Marv: (catches Kevin and hangs him up on a hangar)
Maya: (looks at Lucy)
Lucy: Wait what?
Zelda: Yeah, that's what happens if ya get caught. And the way Kevin walks is just....weird. The controls on the sled are awkward and hard to handle, like he's sliding all over the place. Even on the streets!
Lucy: That's not safe...
Zelda: Not only that, it just feels dumb and awkward. Plus, the ending is absolutly pitiful....
Maya: (noticably absent)
Lucy: Huh? Maya?
Zelda: Relax. I'm sure her dickhead's keeping her safe. (smirks)Lucy: Or she's keeping his safe. -shrugs nonchalantly-
Zelda: But before we go, I wanted to explain more about the Retron 3 itself. This is what we use to play our NES, SNES, and Sega Genesis games. We've used it since the very first episode.
Lucy: It's kinda efficient, since we don't need AC adapter madness on the power strip.
Zelda: The system comes in two colors; black and red. We use the black one, but I also have one in red. There are options to use AV jacks, as well as S-Video. Unfortunatly, the S-Video won't work for NES, which really sucks.
Lucy: The controllers do seem a bit weird, but strongly resemble the Genesis controllers.
Zelda: Problem is, they don't work so well. You have to be at a specific area for them to respond well, and most of the time it won't work. Fortunatly, you can use classic controllers on this thing and they work like a charm! But the best part is this....(pulls out Transformers on Famicom, Super Back to the Future on Super Famicom, and Zero Wing on Sega Mega Drive, and puts them all in) You can play their PAL and Japanese counterparts and the games will work!
"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!"
Zelda: (laughs) That never gets old....
Zelda: The Retron actually does great imitating the presentation of the Genesis almost exact...(switches to Transformers) You can switch it with the power on, but the manuel doesn't quite recommend it....(perfectly rushes through the game without dying once) Now that was a speedrun!
Zelda: Well next time, we'll be looking at some bad add-ons for the Sega Genesis. See ya then!
Episode 10: Sega CD and 32X (COMPLETED)
Zelda: The Sega Genesis was one of, if not the best system Sega had to offer. Some people liked the Master System, Sega Saturn, and the Dreamcast has its own cult following, but the Genesis was simply unmatched. But during its lifespan, Sega decided to amp up and make some shitty add-ons, just to rub it in Nintendo's faces.
Lucy: They just couldn't leave it alone could they?Zelda: Nope. First up is the Sega CD, a CD-based add-on for the Genesis. This isn't the first CD game console, as the Turbo-Graphx 16 beat it to the punch, but the Turbo Graphx wasn't quite as popular as it's rivals in North America, so most people didn't really know about it.
Lucy: -giggles- Fell under the radar, eh?
Zelda: I have one of the two models of this thing. This one you just slide right onto the side of the Genesis. Looks weird to say the least. But that's only the beginning...
Lucy: Oh no...
Maya: (arrives) Sorry I'm late! What are we doing today?
Lucy: Genesis add-ons.
Zelda: As I was saying, the Sega CD has it's own Power Adapter. So you have one for the Genesis, one for the Sega CD, and one for the TV. And keep in mind that both the Genesis and it's add-ons had these dumb bulky-ass bricks which take up alot of power outlet space!
Zelda: Now we're gonna whiff through some Sega CD games. We won't do all of 'em....for this episode anyway. Maybe we'll do some some other time...
Lucy: Let's hope some of them are good...Zelda: Well, let's just start with Night Trap, cuz I'm sure everyone was expecting this anyway...(puts it in)
Zelda: The object is to use some traps in the house to catch these vampire guys in some of the most ridiculous and hilarious ways imaginable. I've played this game at least 20 times and every time, I can't stop laughing!
Maya:....I can't decide if this game is sexist....or weird....
Lucy: It's almost monotmus to me...
Zelda: All this occurs in realtime so you have to constantly switch between rooms to view them. Many people didn't think kindly of this because of overly protective parents and claims from idiots that don't PLAY GAMES IN THE FIRST PLACE!! They thought you were trying to kill the women! NO!!! YOU!! WEREN'T!!! GURR!!!!!
Lucy: -sighs- That, is either from arrogant ignorance,or lack of clarity of the premise.Zelda; Another game made byt he same people is Double Switch, though it doesn't have the lasting appeal....
Zelda: Because everything is happening at once, there's little time to sit back and enjoy the stuff this game is showing. Plus the acting is......egh.
Lucy: -sighs- Couldn't do it right a second time I guess.
Maya: This game....is pretty dumb and pretty repetetive. I keep watching the same trap stock footage again and again.
Lucy: -starts dozing off- Uuugh...Zelda: Alright, next let's try Corpse Killer (puts it in)
Maya; Made by the same guys....
Lucy: -falling asleep- Anything interestin'...?
Zelda: Yeah, zombie shooters....
Lucy: Well...we know where Nazi Zombies came from now don't we...?
Zelda & Maya: Lucy!!
Lucy: Huh?! What?!
Lucy: -breathes heavily-
Zelda: Well ya play as a lieutenant that has to save his friends from the evil Dr. Hellman, played by the late Vincent Schiavelli. Playing with the D-Pad is kinda sad and dumb, and feels too wonky....but there exists alternatives.
Lucy: Really?Zelda: (heads to the closet and puts a few plastic pieces together to form a light gun of sorts)
Maya: What's that thing?
Zelda: This...is the Sega Menacer. The Genesis equilavent to the SNES' Super Scope and the NES' Zapper. Unlike most light guns, this one is wireless that uses infared detection kinda like the Wii.
Zelda: Because it's wireless, it takes 6 AA batteries....but it sure is handy and easy to use! (starts killing the zombies) Man, these zombie green screen affects are TERRIBLE!!
Lucy: At least the gun is good...
Zelda: But your partner Winston.....my god....what the hell is up with this guy and his thick Jamaican accent?!
Maya: I don't even get what he's trying to say! Some subtitles would be nice!
Lucy: They probably wouldn't make any sense any how...
Zelda: (groans) My god...
Lucy: Hm? What now?
Zelda: I can't play this anymore, that's it!
Lucy: -sighs-Zelda: (puts in Jurassic Park) This seems okay....until you start it up...
Lucy: Isn't that like every bad game?
Maya: Wait.....Jurassic Park on Sega CD....is point-and-click?
Zelda: I do not like or enjoy point-and-click games. I also suck at them. No matter how much I play this....I just don't get this shit...
Lucy: ...I call lazy programming on that.
Zelda: (yawns) Boring.....next!
Lucy: Please...Zelda: Next is an arcade classic, Dragon's Lair. (puts it in)
Zelda: First full-motion video game, and released in the arcades in 1983. You pressed the right button at the right time to continue on. If you do it wrong or dilly-dally, you're dead.
Zelda: It was actually a good game....
Maya: The hero looks like a dork though...
Lucy: Yeah...Zelda: Next we have Hook....(puts it in)
Maya: Yay for more shovelware!
Lucy: ...Couldn't this stuff be just as good on a Genesis cartridge?
Maya: I wasn't too fond of teh movie, so my expectations are pretty low.
Zelda: While this is more of a nitpick, why are the cutscenes in sprite form as opposed to full-motion video like many other movie-based games on the system? And the voice acting is terrible, especially when you hear Tinker Bell!
Zelda: The controls are beyond terrible. To fly, you need to get power from Tinker Bell, but learning how to is another story. You press A to jump and then hold it down to fly. But it doesn't stop there.
Maya: Oh no. Your character doesn't even look like Robin Williams and he moves so damn slow!
Lucy: Slow character means you die often...
Lucy: Knew it.Zelda: Hate this shit....next is Bram Stoker's Dracula...(puts it in)
Lucy: ...Hasn't that been done like, a million times on the NES with Castlevania or whatever?
Zelda and Maya: (look at her like she has two heads)
Zelda: Anyway....this is a shitload of fuck! The controls are terrible. Sometimes you can fall through platforms that you think you successfully landed on.
Lucy: ...Bad programming?
Lucy: ...Either that, or bad design...
Zelda: Most Sega CD games are just hard to comment on, like Sherlock Holmes, another point-and-click game, and Willy Beemish....maybe some we'll review at a later time....
Lucy: Point-and-clicks are pointless clicking games. 'Nuff said.
Maya: (laughs) Good one!
Lucy: -giggles-Zelda: But for now...let's look at the other add-on, the Sega 32X!
Lucy: ...That mushroom thing?
Maya: It looks like a football.
Zelda: This thing was originally supposed to be its own system, called the Neptune, but changed it for lord-knows-what-reason. You put it on the top of the Genesis, and oh my god, will your floor and electric outlet get tentacle raped!
Lucy: Ew! Ew ew ew ew! Another AC adapter?!
Maya: And what's this wire? Oh, it goes to the back of the 32X and Genesi--WAAH!!! (trips over the wires and lands in an awkward position in the closet) I'm okay!
Zelda: I....wish I didn't need to see that....
R.O.B.: CENSOR!!! CENSOR!!!! CENSOR!!!!
Lucy: Erm... No comment...
Zelda: Ugh....just look at this mess! This is just a dumb and unneeded mess of wires!
Lucy: It's gross! A tangled flaming mess and huge protruding blocks just taking space uselessly! Ugh!!
Zelda: Once again, we'll only look at some of the games, cuz only 40 games were released for this and we just don't have much time to do it all in one sitting.
Lucy: Right...Zelda: First up is Primal Rage...(puts it in)
Lucy: We're gonna have some primal rage if this thing's a bomb.
Zelda: This is actually an arcade port of a fighting game, similar to the Genesis port but minus a dumb cheat code to play as one of the characters....
Zelda: It's not as good as the arcade version....and the moves are also pretty awkward....
Lucy: Isn't that usually the case? The original is better?
Lucy: ...Next?Zelda: Next we have Doom, one of the best FPS's out there. (puts it in)
Maya: To say the leastl.....this port is HORRIBLE!!!
Zelda: The sound on the 32X never was amazing,. but this....oh good...
Lucy: ...No music? Are you kidding?
Zelda; (looks at her oddly)
Zelda: There is music in this!! But it sucks!
Lucy: ...That's not music, that's the Genesis sound board having a meth high...
Zelda: This version also lacks a few levels, but has MUCH better graphics than the Super Nintendo version.
Maya: Ugh...what a dumb game...
Lucy: Yeah...Zelda: Next we have Knuckles Chaotix. (puts it in)
Zelda: This was Knuckles' only game, and the debut of Team Chaotix. This is one of the better games on the 32X but the control feels a bit awkward, cuz Knuckles is kind of chained to a partner sorta...
Lucy: Well...at least's the partner actually has use, unlike Tails in Sonic 2 and 3, who more or less got in the way.
Maya: I suppose you have a point....
Lucy: And, there's more characters to choose from apparently, unlike Sonic 3&Knuckles, which had three, there's four here.
Zelda: Yeah...well, there's just not much to say about the Sega 32X. Only 40 games were released for it. It's original price was $200. When it wasn't selling well, they dropped it to $20. And when that didn't work, they dropped it to $2.50! I'm not even joking!
Lucy: Honestly, a mushroom parasite isn't even worth that! It's worth a tenth of that!
Zelda: And the saddest thing is, no one had faith in this thing, cuz the Sega Saturn was on its way and arrived in the US six months after this. In fact, by the time the 32X came about in Japan, the Saturn was already released, so hardly anyone gave a crap about this!
Lucy: With so many adaptors, these add-ons should really be their own consoles...
Maya: They'd still suck anyway, so what would be the point?
Lucy: The games then should've been programmed for the Saturn, and if they wanted a CD add-on that badly then they should've made it for the Saturn, that might've helped in balancing with the Super Nintendo.
Zelda: Well said....
Lucy: The Genesis was fine without all this crap on it, and it looks like it's on life support... I say, pull the plug.
Zelda & Maya: (look at each other)
Zelda:.......No. I can't....it's just not just.
Lucy: Huh? I didn't mean it like that...
Zelda: Well....there is one bit of unfinished business we have....(goes to the closet)
Lucy: Uhh...? What did I just start...?
Zelda: What all of us started. (pulls out a familiar cartridge)
Episode 11: Action 52 (Genesis) (COMPLETED)
Zelda: We didn't completely finish Action 52. Because there's the Genesis version.
Lucy: Ew, ew, ew, SPACE! EW!
Zelda: Well, we might as well get it over with. (puts it in) The text tells you what kind of games are which. The ones in yellow are like expert, the purple is supposed to be intermediate, green is supposed to be easy, and blue is two-player only.
Maya: At least the music on the title screen is good.Lucy: Classic Genesis sound board, yes.
1. Go Bonkers!
Zelda: It's a puzzle game....you have to clear the board of these blocks. You can hit other particular blocks to change color, but if you don't clear the green ones before that, you're stuck, and you can't change back to green!
Maya: So you'd hit a dead end unless you committ suicide?
Zelda: Nice, a shitty clone of Asteroids....
Maya: Space....I hate space.....
Lucy: Too much space...
Zelda: It's really hard to stop when you get started and you die if you hit a wall! FUCK!!
Lucy: ...You die, by touching the wall...that's just sad...
Zelda: And I can't even pass the first level! Next!
3. Dyno Tennis
Maya: What? They can't spell Dino right?
Zelda: It's a 2-player game.
Lucy: -picks up the second controller- Okay.
Maya:....A purple dinosaur? Seriously?
Lucy: Barny and his brown twin...
Maya: So we hit a caveman back and forth with trees......uhuh....this is fairly amusing...
Lucy: Just hitting the caveman is just a bit amusing...
Maya: Alright, what's next?
Zelda: Well, to start off, it's actually a bit better than the NES version. The jumping controls have been improved and the design actually looks better....
Lucy: I can agree with that...
Zelda: You can actually shoot to defend yourself and while ducking....but not when jumping. Now this doesn't seem like a huge deal, except most of the enemies are in the air.
Maya: The idea is to collect all the keys to make it to the end of the stage.....wait. You die by falling or jumping from too great a height?
Lucy: A curse from the NES version...
Zelda: And now I can't jump down?! So I get one key but I can't get down without killing myself?!
Maya: You can't even go inbetween those dumb mashers! (drinks up)
Maya: Levels 2 and 4 show us going back and forth between the same spots in order to get all the keys. How tedious.
Lucy: Well fuck that!
5. Star Ball
Maya: Pinball on a home console....
Zelda: You guys know how I feel about these by now, but this is horrible! To control the flippers, you hit up for the left one and the C button for the right one. It's awkward to handle.
Lucy: ...Who designed this crap?! If anything, B should control the left one, and C should control the right one, A hits both, how hard is that?!
Zelda: (sighs) Next!
Zelda: Nice. A rip-off of After Burner and a bad, confusing one.
Lucy: Ugh...that's enough said...
Maya: These missiles have such short range and it's hard to find something to shoot at....
Maya: Odd....I thought this game would look a bit better with a name like "Daytona"
Lucy: It's Action 52, what did you expect?
Zelda: Well not this! If you crash into something, the screen flashes red like it's a bad thing. That is dumb!
8. 15 Puzzle
Zelda: It's a puzzle game that is really confusing and lame. But it's worse. There's a time limit on this one and it goes by pretty fast.
Maya: Man, this is a good game to fall asleep to...(drinks up)
Zelda:.....I don't get this. Next!
Girls: O___O (drink up)
Zelda: Are you fucking serious? They wasted one spot on this cartridge with a drawing game?!
Maya: This is dumb beyond all belief!
Lucy: ...Like anyone would even be remotely interested in such crap!! You can easily get out a pen and paper and do the exact same thing, except much better!!
Maya: (draws a picture of a familar hedgehog-hybrid, shirtless, with a paper and some pencils) Ya mean like this?
Zelda & Lucy: (look at each other and chuckle)
Lucy: Oh, nothing honey... -giggles-
10. Star Duel
Zelda: Well another two-player game...in space!
Maya: Beats a shitty Mario Paint knock-off, I guess....
Maya: (boringly plays) Ugh....
11. Haunted Hills
Zelda: So instead of playing a big-tit whore, you're playing what looks like Pitfall Harry...need to collecr these gems while beating up these....whatever they're supposed to be.
Maya: This game sucks....
Maya: This game didn't work on the original NES, btu it looks like it works now.....not always though.
Zelda: You're a chef who has to gather all these ingrediants and avoid these spicy ones...
Lucy: Spicy? How is spicy bad? Really...
Lucy: Guess he's not making tacos or pizza. -shrugs-
Zelda: Guess you could say that...(laughs)...what a dumb game.
Lucy: Next?13. Cheetahmen
Maya: We're doing Cheetahmen already?....oh well.
Zelda: In this version, the Cheetahmen are trying to save these baby cheetahs from enemies that kill you in one hit. Oh my god, this game is worse than the NES versions. The music and graphics are as stock as they get.
Zelda: It's near impossible to even get past the first level! This is like--
Maya: Oh for--gimme that! (grabs the controller and starts kicking ass at the game)
Maya: (beats the whole game) YEAH!! I RULE!!!
Maya: Not bad huh? (gives the controller back)
Zelda: (to herself) Oh, it is ON!!
Zelda: This is a game you NEED two players for. And two controllers. It's a lot like chess....
Zelda: You need two players. And if you try to quit with a controller not in control of the turn, you can't.....it's lame anyway.
Maya: I'd have more fun raping a half-asleep Shine than play this!
Lucy: -looks at her oddly- I'm afraid to ask for the connotation.
Zelda; The object is to get into the other person's headquarters, but that's assuming you unleash the headquarters from the first two characters ya put in. How pathetic.....
15. Depth Charge
Zelda: You're a small boat, dropping bombs on submarines that shoot upward torpedoes. It's quite easy, but also fun in a way. I actually like this....
Lucy: Bombing subs? Eh, not bad.
Maya: A good game? On Action 52? That isn't Cheetahmen?.....I think the world is coming to an end! But it's a nice refreshing change from total crap!
16. Mind's Eye
Zelda:....Well that didn't take long. This one's a clone of Minesweeper.....
Maya: I never liked Minesweeper. I never understood what I was able to do....
Lucy: You're supposed to "find" all of the mines in the field, marking them with flags, usually ten of them. You figure it out by "shooting in the dark", and little numbers come up to tell you how many mines are near that square you clicked on, the higher the number, the more mines nearby. It's easiest with a really small grid, but when the grid is bigger, and there's no mines around, you get a huge revealing of the field up until you get numbers. ...It was weird on the PC, and it's weird on a Genesis console.
Zelda:....Lucy, even with that elaborate describtion, I still don't get it. So hell with it.
17. Alien Attack
Zelda: Well you're on the moon, shooting these random monster things. You just run and shoot, it's so easy that half the time, I can't be stopped.
Lucy: Some games get complaints because they're too hard...how about too easy?
Maya: And this guy looks like Captain America...
18. Billy Bob
Zelda: Okay...unlike the NES version, this game is a cowboy shooter. Another game Jesse'd like.
Lucy: Heh...we can just see him now, just killing the game...
Zelda: Yeah....if this game was compatible with the Sega Menacer!
Maya: This wouldn't be a problem if the d-pad didn't feel so stiff. The cursor moves so slow too, so you have little time to kill everyone on the screen!
Lucy: Ugh... Crappy controls...
Zelda: Well all the expert games are done. Now onto the intermediate ones.
Maya: A clone of a shitty LJN game....wait. This time, there's blood?
Zelda: At least this one looks alright and it doesn't take too long to find some sharks to kill.
Zelda: Oh c'mon! I just hit the tail of the shark! So how does that kill me?!
Zelda: It's a boxing game and yet another 2-player game! Seriously, what is up with this shit?!
Lucy: ...For kicks and giggles?
Maya:....ok, why are they jumping? (trying to beat Lucy)
Lucy: I have no idea... -clobbers Maya's character as it lands in front of hers-
Lucy: Heheh... Who said nobody could use it to their advantage?
Zelda: This game is not what I call intermediate. I call this fucking impossible! You have to get through this maze, shooting at these robots and going through some really unfair alleys!
Maya: So you can't go through these electrical walls, but the enemies still can?! Yeah, that's really fair!
Lucy: Yeah, equivalent to courts throwing out murder cases, so fair!
Zelda: Great. Now they're ripping off of Simon...
Maya: Are they really gonna scrape up the barrell like this?
Lucy: Guess so. I have a feeling that there's going to be more of this crap...
Zelda: Next game, before I lose my mind!
Zelda: Another rip-off of an Atari 2600 game....which was also called Freeway! Wonder if Activision sued them....
Lucy: Who knows?
Dog: (gets decapitated when hit by a car)
R.O.B.: CENSOR!! CENSOR!! CENSOR!!!
Maya: That is just so cruel! So horrific! How does one condone such cruelty?!
Lucy: Why, in the name of "realism" of course! Many modern games are kinda like that...
Maya: WHO THE HELL CARES?!?!?!?!
Zelda: And if you're anywhere near a car's perimeter, you still die, even when it's plain obvious that you could survive! What a bunch of fuck!
Maya: YEOW!! That mouse is going really fast! What, did Speedy Gonzolez forget his sombrero or something?
Lucy: Don't you mean, his pants?!
Zelda: You have to get all the cheese while avoiding cats. The title is quite misleading cuz I don't see any moustraps at all. Plus you move so fast that it's hard to dodge some of the cats that wanna trample ya. But overall, this game is.....playable. Not saying it's a good game....but I'm not saying it's bad. It's just....average.
Zelda: This game is broken even by Action 52 standards. If you just run to the right and don't stop, no one will attack and you can even run past all the enemies.
Maya: Wow....talk about dumb and broken mechanics. Did anyone even test these games out?
Lucy: Ugh... That takes the fun out of it...
Maya: And there's hardly anyone to fight anyway!
Lucy: Well, you're running through like a ninja, take it like a broken stealth game?
Zelda: Not to be confused with the NES game....
Maya: Wait....if you're inbetween two trees with a small gap, you still crash? Man, these games have quite bad hit detection!
Lucy: Bad hit detection? More like jerk hit detection!
Zelda: Well....we're only half-way through with this!
Maya: So it's an old-fashioned air plane shooter....beats space shooters. Which I have not seen so much of on this cartridge.
Lucy: Guess they actually were able to move their lazy butts and make something more than a black background and white dots all over it, and call it "space".
Maya: It wouldn't seem like a bad game, except the background keeps getting in my way....again!
28. Force One
Maya: AGH!! Another space shooter!
Zelda: C'mon Maya, this is only like the third we've come across here!
Lucy: She's too scarred from the NES version to notice, Zelda.
Maya: And I can't kill these yellow clones! I hate these shooters....NEXT!!
Zelda: Aw man, I was hoping for a Spider-Man game. Instead it's a slower and senseless version of Mousetrap.
Maya: Except you play as a red spider eating flies while avoiding blue spiders and....ants?
Lucy: ...I don't get it.
Zelda: Again, it's simple, but I don't understand how you can move off of the web.....is this Vista or something?
Lucy: I think it is. Even for this game's standards.
Zelda: Another okay game. You have to catch the red apples before they hit the ground and not catch the green apples.
Lucy: Why not the green? Aren't they sweeter?
Maya: Guess Active Enterprises don't like green fruit....it looks alright....by A52 standards, anyway....
Lucy: Meh...31. Skater
Zelda: Nice. A poor man's version of California Games....
Zelda: You have to go on this street, collecting boomboxes, while avoiding beach balls and....dead cats?
Maya: (double facepalm)
Lucy: -double facepalms also-
32. Sunday Drive
Maya: Okay....what kind of highway has 5 lanes? And like a hundred exits for "Segaville"?!
Lucy: Either "Segaville" is a big flippin' city that's as long as the highway, or somehow, the road bends and curves around yet you're still going straight... Wait, why do I have to take it like it's an Atari 2600 game?!
Zelda: Cuz most of these games in Action 52 are just glorified Atari 2600 games with better graphics, and most are blatant copies! My god, and this game goes on forever!
33. Star Evil
Maya: Not this again!
Lucy: -sighs- Get used to it...
Zelda: This one isn't too bad...but it's boring, repetitive, and as you go on, you go faster and faster.
Maya: Ugh, make it stop!
34. Air Command
Maya: Okay, why is your plane going backwards? It should be going the other way, in other fly-and-shoot games.
Zelda: Ugh, next....
Zelda: A shitty shooting gallery. You can't aim up or down. Instead, side-to-side. It just passes through alleys if you miss the first one.
Maya: What kind of idiot programmed it like that?!
Lucy: He must've been drunk, seriously...
Maya: (yawns) Boring....next....
36. Bombs Away
Zelda: So you run through these villages, avoiding bombs....
Maya: Why is there even a jump button? And you jump even higher than the houses!
Lucy: Maybe to shake things up... Otherwise, you'd just be running to the right, bored.
Zelda: And there's nothing to jump over. Plus, jumping is like committing suicide here.
Lucy: You might want to out of boredom.
Zelda: We're almost through...now onto easy....
37. Speed Boat
Maya; Goodie, a clone of Sunday Drive but on a boat....
Zelda: Wait....that's a boat? Doesn't look like one...
Lucy: No, it looks like a flippin' starfighter! What, were they going to make this a space shooter but then decideed, "Meh, let's make the background blue instead!"?
Zelda: You don't shoot anything, so...meh. Only play this if you're bored outta your mind!
Maya; Well, at least you can move all around in this version, rather than just left and right....
Zelda: But you can't kill the spiders! Fuckin' brilliant! (drinks)
Maya: And there's a fart noise when you kill something?
Lucy: The game farts its crappiness!
Lucy: -shrugs- I try -giggles-
Maya: (growls) This shit again?!
Zelda: This time, enemy ships can come out from behind you, so it can get pretty tricky most times.
40. Man at Arms
Zelda: You're a lone medieval guard, defending a kingdom with a crossbow.
Lucy: Erm, okay... Guess the king has a lot of faith in you...
Zelda: Might explain why there's no one else helping you! And if one person touches the door or wall, you lose.
Maya: C'mon, just one guy?! What kind of pussy is this guy?!
Lucy: ...I have no comment.
Zelda: Man, this is so mundane!
Maya: Oh, it's the tank game again....
Lucy: Overpowered like on the NES?
Tank: (touches a soldier and explodes into a bloody mess)
Zelda: Uhhh, no.
Lucy: ...From being unable to lose, to being unable to win...REALLY?!
Maya: Oh no, you can win. But you have to actually WORK FOR IT!!! By shooting instead of ramming into stuff!
Lucy: But you die in one hit! FROM PUNY SOLDIERS FOR CHAOS SAKE!!
42. Armor Battle
Zelda: A 2-player version of Norman, nothing else to say. NEXT!!
43. Magic Bean
Maya: Oh boy....
Lucy: ...You said it...
Maya: Going up some beanstalk....why are these things flying down to kill you? What is going on with that giant up there?
Zelda: I'm not sure I want to know...
Lucy: Neither am I...
Zelda: A helicopter shooter and quite possibly, the worst one I have ever played!
Zelda; Check this out, this gray thing in the background. That's a n obsticle. But how was I supposed to know that?!
Maya: Wait.....that tank just killed you?!
Zelda: That is pure bullshit! If you touch a tank you die! You're a flippin' helicopter, you should be able to fly over it no problem!
Lucy: Ugh...broken gameplay!
Maya: Well fuck this! (drinks angrily)
Zelda: Okay, I was not expecting this! It's a lot like Mousetrap and Spidey, except this time, you can shoot shit.
Lucy: That's nice, an attack is always nice.
Zelda: So you walk around this place collecting....whatever those are, while shooting these Dalek things....
46. Sky Avenger
Maya: Wait....this is just a backwars version of Bombs Away, but you're in a chopper now.
Lucy: They were definately running out of ideas...
Zelda: And it's a lot like G-Fighter....ugh....hate this....
Zelda: 16-bit revision of the NES Shooting Gallery....easiest shooter ever!
Lucy: A game that you can't lose... Where's the fun?!
Zelda: Actually, you die if they touch you. And that can happen.....
Maya: (falling asleep)
Lucy: -looks at her- ...I'd wake her, but I'm with her this time...
Zelda: Goodie, a space shooter which is an update of Jupiter Scope.
Maya: (wakes up) SPACE?!?!? AAAAAAHH!!!!
R.O.B.: O__O (falls over)
Lucy: Great! Just great!
Zelda: Well that woke her up....you okay R.O.B.?
R.O.B.: I think so....
Zelda: Anyway, this is a bit better....but it's still quite boring after a while....next!
49. Black Hole
Maya: I know this is in a Black Hole, but can the background be any more bland and boring?
Lucy: Ugh...if anything, there should be a swirlling effect, which tosses your ship all over the place, there's your black hole!
Zelda: So yeah, another generic space shooter.,...
Maya: Make it stop....
Lucy: -hugs Maya- Please... For Maya's sake at least...
50. The Boss
Zelda: You're a lizard pimp, climbing up some ladders of an apartment and collecting money.
Maya: The control seems dumb. There's no indictation whether or not you're on another floor....
Zelda: Bad game design at its finest...
Lucy: And...what? What's with that stuff dropping? Is that a hazard? Doesn't seem lik you can get past it...
Zelda: Nope. That's all gone. You just have to shoot the cops and gangsters on the floors.....but it still sucks....
Maya: Just two more games left....
51. First Game
Zelda: Well....this is...unexpected....Pong!
Lucy: ...REALLY?! They had to waste a flippin' slot on the cartridge, with PONG?! -drinks-
Maya: I'm not complaining, it's fun!
Zelda: Yeah, but I got like dozens of other ports and consoles of Pong! Well, one more game....one last game to do....
Zelda:.....Okay, it's not really a game, it's reallyh a glorified endurance round.
Lucy: ...Okay, they really ran out of ideas!!
Zelda: Well...that's it...(takes the cartrige out) This version is actually better than the NES version.....though that's not exactly saying much...
Maya: Well thank mother it's over....
Zelda: Actually, Maya....(takes out the NES Action 52 cartridge) There's a small bit of unfinished business we have left.....R.O.B., download data from the NESten emulator onto this cartridge.
R.O.B.: Acknowledged. (shoots a beem from his eyes onto the cartridge, which fades after a while) Download completed.Zelda: (puts it in) As we mentioned in our NES review, Alfredo and Jigsaw crash when you normally play it and on most emulators. But I was able to find out that a few specific emulators will run those two games and it will work. So we might as well take a look.
Maya: (crying) Whyyy?
Lucy: Shh... -hugs Maya- It'll be over soon...
Zelda: In Alfredo, you take control of a chef, who has to kill some food gone crazy....with a frying pan.
Lucy: Really...? -sighs-
Zelda: It's a shitty platformer with the same bad controls as Ooze. And sometimes you'll come out of the top of the screen and die after falling through a hole. And sometimes the enemies will disappear....
Maya: And the sprites are flashing. AAH! It's giving me a seizure...
Lucy: It's okay Maya... -comforting her- But yeah...bad programming...
Zelda: SOmething intresting about most Action 52 games start over from level 1 after beating them. But Alfredo's different, where the game glitches out in Level 3 so you can't beat it.
Maya: No wonder this game only works on an emulator.....Zelda: Well, now we have Jigsaw....
Maya: And it looks like shit.
Zelda: You play as a carpenter killing lively tools gone mad. It's incredibly easy and quite pathetic. Sometimes even the enemies will get stuck in the walls....
Lucy: The game's so crappy, even the enemies can't play it...
Zelda: Well....that's it. (takes the cartridge out) We are finally and completely done with Action 52! Bottom line, it was crappier than a cheap plug-n-play tv game!
Lucy: Quality over quantity, that's the lesson here. Instead of making a few really good games, they just made a bunch of mediocre ones!
Zelda: Well at least now, we don't have to play this shitfest ever again! Next time, we play Pong!
Episode 12: Pong Consoles (COMPLETED)
Lucy: -asleep next to her-
Zelda: (runing through her closet)
Zelda: Alright. That's all of 'em.
Lucy: -wakes up- What the--HOLY CRAP THAT'S A LOT OF CONSOLES!!
Maya:: (yawns) WHat is it....? What's with all these?
Zelda: These are just LOTS of Pong consoles from the 1970's that I just happen to own...
Maya: All these just to play one game?!
Lucy: HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!
Zelda: Told ya I had had dozens of these....let's get 'em all hooked up....
Lucy: Umm...those boxes...
Zelda: I hate 'em too sis....they're so dumb....
20 minutes later....
Maya: Finally that's done.
Lucy: ...This is a much worse mess than the Genesis add-ons!
Zelda: (nervous chuckle)
Lucy: What?Zelda: First up is the Tournament 2000 by Unisonic.
Zelda: This game's your average Pong. Controllers pop out. Go in a vertical way....
Maya: Now that's a simple controller.
Lucy: As simple as they come...
Zelda: Although the game itself could keep score, you could still do this sort of scoreboard thing on the console, for some Pong Tourney thing, hence the name of the sysrem.
Maya: There's a few different types of Pong like hockey, skeet, and targets.
Zelda; Yeah, some of these Pong consoles had these lightgun games....
Lucy: Cool..Zelda: Thing thing is the Radioshack TV Scoreboard....
Maya: What a weird hook-up...
Lucy: The controllers are even weirder! It's a remote, with a tumor! It's as if to say, "Screw you that's all you get. Look at all this crap, I've got the power here!"...
Maya: (groans)....wait. What kind of crap is this?!
Lucy: Serve...reset, reset...serve... I think it's broken...
(suddenly the color comes on)
Maya: You were saying?
Lucy: Oh, this one has color? It's still not working right...
Lucy: Please...Zelda: This is the Coleco Telstar. Another basic Pong game...
Lucy: So many basic Pong games...
Maya: This looks like a simple slab of wood....
Zelda: Nearly everything was wood back then.
Lucy: And...we gotta huddle around the console? Really?
Zelda: And the controllers are a bit jittery. But with consoles this old, ya kinda have to expect that....
Lucy: Eh...Zelda: The Sears Super Pong Telegames. This is what a normal Pong console would look like.
Maya: Looks kinda cool...
Lucy: Dismounting controllers, check.
Zelda: Another basic pong, with small paddles...
Lucy: There's four types of Pong... -starts to go through them-
Maya: What the heck?! Reverse Pong?!
Lucy: Okay, what's this? Cheat Pong? -blocks Maya's shots with super-long paddle-
Maya: No fair! You're cheating!
Lucy: The game gave me this huge thing!
Lucy: -shrugs-Zelda: Next is Colorsport VIII
Lucy: Controllers dismount...and there's two more controllers that plug in...four players?
Maya: So there are all these switches for all these different types of Pong.
Lucy: Err...the color just changes...
Zelda: Well it's called Colorsport VIII for a reason, Lucy.
Maya: (starts to win)
Lucy: Heheh.Zelda: Next is the Wonder Wizard. This thing was built from a Magnavox Odyssey.
Zelda: Now I won't go too deep into this, since I'll be saving it for when we look into the Odyssey itself. But it has the same video connector as the Odyssey.
Maya: This is the weirdest one I've ever seen....
Lucy: Don't old consoles usually come with a different connector, which there was an adapter for so you can just toss the stupid box?
Zelda: Well, not with this or the Odyssey. You need a special type of box for this...
Maya: And the picture's not coming in clear! (fliiping through some switches)
Lucy: Well, that's a load of crap!
Maya: Where's the right paddle?!
Lucy: It's Ghost Pong!
Lucy: What's with this thing?!Zelda: Next we have the Volley VI...(blows the dust off)
Lucy: This thing looks obscenely old!
Maya: Well at least there's a nice tray to hold a drink when you dismount the controllers. (tries putting her Monster in, but it doesn't fit) Almost, anyway....
Maya: (starts playing anyway)
Lucy: Another basic Pong.
Zelda: This is one of these Pong machines that uses batteries, even though you can still use an AC adaptor.
Lucy: Um... Why have the option to use batteries? I'd rather plug it into the wall. What the heck are we gonna use the batteries for, play it in the flippin' forest?!
Zelda: Well most times, the Pong consoles didn't include the AC Adaptors. Maybe cuz they broke or got misplaced a lot...
Lucy: But, just because they came with the option to use batteries, I'll bet that they didn't include the AC adaptors, period. Guess Pong consoles made a deal with battery companies to sell more batteries...Zelda: Next, the APF TV Fun....
Lucy: Say that three times fast...
Lucy: Looks like a spaceship...
Lucy: -smirks and makes it look like it's flying- Pew pew pew!
Zelda: Lucy, that isn't funny.
Zelda: (plays the game)
Lucy: Another basic Pong...and the sound's coming thorugh this speaker on the console itself...
Zelda: That's standard for most Pong consoles.
Lucy: Hm...Zelda: Next we have Ricochet. Instead of two controllers.....
Lucy: That's a bit excessive, huh?
Maya: I agree....
Lucy: The right controller seems a bit jittery...
Zelda: Well the fact that these controllers move so fluently is what makes Pong so fun to play.
Lucy: Yeah...it's something that newer consoles don't get, right?Zelda: Yeah. Next we have the Magnavox Odyssey 4000.
Lucy: They actually got that far in...a few years?
Zelda: Inbetween the Odyssey and Odyssey2, Magnavox made a bunch of Pong Consoles, after the hundred and thousand digits.
Maya: Apparently, this one has movable controllers that go all around instead iof typically up-and-down.
Lucy: That's nice...kinda like an Atari 2600 controller...Zelda: Next we have the Bentley CompuVision. Another typical Pong, but this one I have is a bit faulty...
Lucy: What's wrong with it...?
Zelda; It's a pretty old game system, do the math.
Maya: D'OH!! DARN IT! GAH!!
Zelda: See what I mean?
Lucy: Mhm...Zelda: There were also a few other cartridge consoles that had some okay Pong games, like the Coleco Telstar Arcade.
Lucy: What is this?! This is something some mad scientist would come up with! Knobs, a wheel, a gun?!
Maya: Now I understand why mother detests the use of machines....this is the weirdest thing I've ever seen.....
Zelda: The cartridges are even stranger. A silver triangle that snaps on top of the cartridge?
Lucy: Very weird...
Zelda: The first game is another basic Pong. The second is a driving game.
Lucy: It's not bad...
Zelda: And finally is the shooting game...
Lucy: ...You're trying to shoot falling stars...
Maya: (tries shooting) Either it's impossible, or the gun's broken.
Lucy: Only Jesse can confirm that...Zelda: Another cartridge-based system with Pong is the Fairchannel F.
Maya: (looks at the controllers)
Lucy: These look like weird hand-held joysticks...
Zelda: They are, but once you get the hang of it, it's awesome!
Lucy: So rocking the joystick moves your paddle in any direction...
Maya: Twisiting and turning changes the direction the paddle's facing...
Lucy: Pushing and pulling moves the "goalie"...
Zelda: This will make for a busy and intense game of Pong.
Lucy: Indeed... This is actually really fun, more options and a bit of extra thinking, make all the difference.Zelda: Which leads us to our last exhibit....oh god....the RCA Studio 2...
Lucy: Um...number pads?
Zelda: This thing was made with exceptionally low expertise in the field. Controllers are built onto the console, bad sound affects, games, and colors, and this really bad 2-in-1 box thing!
Zelda: It wouldn't be the last time either. The Atari 5200 had the same problem, but they later fixed it.
Lucy: Eww...guess we'll be looking at that thing too later...
Zelda: Mhm....well, that's Pong....
Lucy: It still blows my mind that there could be this many pieces of hardware, for just one game and its many forms.
Zelda; Yeah, and Pong still continues to this day in many forms. If you can find one version of it--or a working Pong console--then pick one up. You won't be sorry!
Lucy: Indeed! Just...not some of these hunks of junk, with bad boxes and such...
Episode 13: Home Improvement (COMPLETED)
Maya:.....(hears a boom from another part of the apartment) What was that?
Lucy: I don't know...sounds like a bad renovation job...
Zelda:.....Mondo Boyz....(calls a carpenter)
Zelda: Hello? Yes, my apartment has another hole in it.....yes, the Mondo Boyz again. Alright, how long will you be?.....10 minutes? (sighs) Alright, thank you. Good-bye. (hangs up)
Lucy: -sighs- Tommy doesn't know how to work all that tech stuff...guess they never bothered to find someone that does...
Zelda: Well, as long as we're waiting, we might as well play another game....(looks through her closet)
Lucy: -notices a Super Nintendo game falling out as Zelda rummages, and picks it up- ...Home Improvement? As in, the show?
Maya: Wow, I loved that show! But....how do you make a game out of it?
Lucy: Maybe it's educational? Like put 5 two-by-fours somewhere or something like that...Maya: Let's find out. (puts it in)
Zelda: Oh boy....the intro cutscene goes on for an eternity...
Lucy: Ugh...look at all of this useless information! Start us in the game!
Zelda: So after 5 minutes of all that, we start the game and....it's a platformer....
Lucy: ...Wait what?
Zelda: The plot is that someone stole all these special tools and Tim Allen has to go through different sets to get them back. And in the first level, you're armed with a nail gun, fighting live dinosaurs, dragonflies, and ants!
Maya: Since when do ants hurt you? They're so tiny and innocent, just why?!
Lucy: ...Why are the enemies even real? Answer that one first.
Maya: I......I don't know....and this is only the first level!
Lucy: And...wait...those nuts...
Zelda: They're your lifeline. You get hit once, you lose your bolts. You get hit without one, you die.
Lucy: ...That sounds familiar...like a certain line of Genesis games we know...
Lucy: Come to think of it, those same Genesis games also started off in a grassy/jungle-like first level...
Maya: Except your dad didn't have to deal with REAL LIFE DINOSAURS!!! What is this, Jurassic Park?!
Lucy: Ugh... And you're trying to shoot them with a NAILGUN?!
Zelda: You can later find weapons like a chainsaw and a flame thrower. Now let's talk about the controls. This is another one of those games where B is Jump and A is Attack. Pressing X sends a grappling hook, but it hardly latches onto anything unless you're dead-on!
Maya: So pressing X in combination with either left or right does this melee attack. It's best used against these blocks, but doesn't do much against the normal enemies.
Lucy: A useless attack, nice.
Zelda: You can also use this jackhammer by pressing down and X, but I've never found a right place to use it.
Lucy: A useless weapon, that's even better.
Maya: Why don't just try the instruction manuel?
Zelda: Easy....THERE IS NO FUCKIN' INSTRUCTION MANUAL!!!!
Lucy: Wait, you've got to be joking...all games have instructions!
Zelda: Not this one! Instead it's just some bumper sticker saying "Real Men Don't need Instructions"
Maya: Well ya do when you're playing this thing! Ya have no idea what to do or what buttons do what!! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!
Lucy: They were thinking: "real men don't need instructions". Guess they didn't expect girls would play this game.
Zelda: (drinks) And if you're facing these dumb t-rexes, you need a stronger weapon, cuz that nail gun isn't gonna do shit!
Lucy: Great... Where's that chainsaw?
Zelda: (grabs the chainsaw) It's in a wave-like pattern, but it's kind a short-ranged one.....and I just can't figure this level out! I can't find all the parts. And there's a goddamn time limit too!
Lucy: Hmm...that sounds like yet another series of games...starting on the NES...
Lucy: I'm sensing a pattern, no?
Zelda: And....I still can't get over the fact I'm playing a Home Improvement game and fighting dinosaurs!
Lucy: ...That, I swear, is unredeemable...
Maya: Gee, ya think?!
(suddenly, they hear the carpenter working on the roof)
Lucy: That band needs some "home improvement"...how about a metal roof?
Zelda; (sighs and takes out the game) This is a total monstrocity and a disgrace to the show! And the concept....I just can't get over it....it's just so STUPID!!
Lucy: It also rips from two very well-known franchises, took the show and Jurassic Park, threw them into a blender and spat out this abomination!
Zelda: (groans) Next time, we look at SUper Metroid!
Episode 14: Super Metroid (COMPLETED)
Zelda: My boyfriend, Matthew, asked us to do this game, so why not? Super Metroid on the Super Nintendo!
Lucy: Super Nintendo...any super crap?Zelda: (shrugs and puts it in)
Lucy: ...Seems promising...so far...
Zelda: So you're instantly thrown into the action and see a young Metroid being kidnapped by Ridley and your goal is to rescue it, so you travel to Planet Zebes to get it back....again....
Lucy: Again? Um...how many times does this make?
Zelda: This is only the third game in the franchise.
Zelda: So like the other games, you have to go around the planet, exploring around like a rat in a maze, getting these new items, killing aliens, the whole shebang.
Maya: The environments are nice and colorful and so are some enemies....though others could use work...
Zelda: There's more detail in the background, and a lot more stuff to collect, like these speed boosters and freeze beams.
Lucy: Nice, moving faster and more weapons are always a good thing.
Zelda: And thank god, there's a map system....but still, it's hard to tell where I'm going and where everything is sometimes.
Lucy: Rat in a maze, right? -giggles-
Zelda: It's just really easy to get lost.
Lucy: I can understand that...
Zelda; You can also use this wall jump, which sort of breaks the game because you can get several items earlier than you can...but it won't help advancing too far in the game.
Lucy: So gamebreaking, yet not gamebreaking at the same time.
Zelda: The bosses are great, and often keep ya wondering what ya gonna get next....
Lucy: Heh, nice.
Maya: I do wonder why that Morph Ball is in the same place it was in the original Metroid and why Samus never keeps her weapons....
Zelda: If she did, the game'd be too easy...
Zelda: So in addition to Ridley, you have to fight this big green guy named Draygon, this ghostly one-eyed thing named Phantoon, a Golden Chozo statue, and Kraid, brought back to life....and he's gained some weight.Kraid: (emerges and roars; he's now a damn giant)
Maya: Correction; a lot of weight!
Lucy: He had too many doughnuts...
Zelda: (looks at her weirdly)
Zelda: (sighs) Anyway, after you beat Ridley--who's pretty hard, by the way--you find that your baby has escaped.
Lucy: She had a baby?! o.e
R.O.B.: She means the infant Metroid....ignoramous.
Lucy: Thank you for adding that crucial information after I thought the wrong thing.Zelda:......Anyway, we get down to the last level, underneath Zebes.
Maya: Wait....are those Metroids.
R.O.B.: Negative. They are Mocktroids. Duplicates....
Samus: (passes some lifeless bage life forms)
Maya: That....doesn't look good...
Lucy: I know...right...?
(just then a giant Metroid shows up and starts eating away at Samus)
Maya: No no no no NOOO!!!! (pressing every button) LEMME GO!!
Zelda: You can do whatever ya want, that Metroid isn't going anywhere!
(suddenly, it stops and gets off Samus with one unit of life left)
Maya:....What just hapened?
Lucy: ...You just got your life energy sucked out of you...
Maya: I know that, but what I don't get is why that thing stopped!
Zelda: Well, guess what? That's the youngling that Ridley kidnapped in the beginning of the game. It's now all grown up.
Zelda: So you regenerate and it's now time to confront Motehr Brain.
Maya: (kills her in a short minute) So...I guess that's Super Met--
Mother Brain: (emerges as a large bipedal being)
Lucy: Umm...is she supposed to do that?
Zelda: I guess....? Well...it's an unwinnable boss fight. That rainbow laser is unstoppable to avoid.
Maya: SO I JUST DIE AND--
(the Big Metroid then comes in, drains Mother Brain, and heals Samus)
Maya:....Nevermind. (drinks up) Take your time.
Lucy: Um...okay... -drinks up-
Zelda: Then, Mother Brain just kills it just as ypu're fully replenished and then...BANG!! Samus gets the Hyper Beam, and this is gonna kill anything, even Mother Brain!Maya: OH YEAH!! TAKE THAT, UGLY!!!! Alright, she's dead....now to bug out of here in 3 minutes before I die!
Lucy: Great... Well get going! And fast!
Samus: (running ultra fast to get out)
Maya: GOTTARUNGOTTARUNGOTTARUNGOTTARUNGOTTARUN!! WAIT!!
Samus: (runs into another room and shoots a wall)
Maya: Have to make sure our little buddies that helped us out get out safely....OKAY, RUN FAST!!! TIME'S TICKING......YEAH!! I made it!!
Zelda: So Zebes blows up....Mother Brain and Ridley are dead....the Metroid are extinct...and so starts the events of Other M....in conclusion, this is one of the best Super Nintendo games ever!
Lucy: Indeed! The game was obviously well thought-out and integrated that open-world system which, yeah kinda got confusing, but it was done really well!
Zelda: Now if you excuse me....I'm gonna personally thank my boyfriend. (leaves)
R.O.B.: (looks at the others)
Lucy: ...Not entertaining that.
Maya: Me neither.....
Episode 15: Mega Man Soccer (COMPLETED)
Maya: Oh man, look at all this 16-bit madness! All this goodness, shitness....
Lucy: Super gold and super crap both exist on the Super Nintendo...
Maya: Wonder what we'll find today.....
Lucy: I'm guessing...super crap...
Zelda: Well...we're looking at a more obscure game today...a game that not many people even know exists. Heck, not even I could believe this game was legit....Mega Man Soccer!
Zelda: I'm not even kidding. This is an actual game and not some hack someone made! I'm dead serious!
Lucy: ...It must be super crap...Zelda: Let's pop this thing in. (puts it in)
Maya: Well...it looks sort of okay....
Lucy: Eh...just one question...WHY?!
Zelda: I....don't know...as I already mentioned, not many people even know this game exists.
Lucy: Whoy... Let's just get into the meat of it already...
Maya: So you get to pick formation and team members....they even have Enker from the Game Boy games, which is kinda cool...
Lucy: Too bad there's no Duo, but he might've been a bit overpowered for this sort of game, easpecially as goalie.
Zelda: Lucy, by the time Duo was introduced, the Super Nintendo already bit the dust!
Lucy: ...Not by all that much though. The Nintendo 64 didn't come out until just before the Sega Dreamcast came out, though yes, Mega Man was already making its shift to the PlayStation by that point...
Zelda: Wrong again! This game was released shortly after Mega Man 4 on the NES. At that point, the character's popularity started to slowly fade.
Maya: No wonder this game isn't so well-known.
Zelda; The controls are kinda dumb. Your player simply kicks to whoever's closest and that's a real pain in the ass...
Lucy: Kills strategy, that's for sure.
Zelda: You know the one player you really want on your team?
Lucy: Guts Man? Mega Man? Cut Man? Metal Man?
Lucy: ...Huh?! Are you serious?!
Zelda: Yeah. He can actually really kick ass as a goalie, and can defend most super shots.
Lucy: ...The stupidest Robot Master...is actually good in soccer?! ...That actually makes a lot of sense.
Zelda: Holding the R button while shooting summons an amusing special kick that decapitates the opponents....
Cut Man: (kicks teh ball; which turns into a cutter, and slices through Air Man)
Lucy: That's gotta hurt!
Zelda: Gee, ya think?!
Lucy: I know.
Zelda: There's a lot of colorful fields and places to play, like Wood Man's field.
Lucy: Huh, nice...
Zelda: The game also has a story mode...
Zelda: Yeah, called Championship mode. The plot is that Doctor Wily is going to use the sport of soccer to take over the world......
Maya: THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD!!!
Lucy: ...Comparable to Eggman using a racing competition to take over the world...
Maya: Wait...he actually did that?
Lucy: My dad was in it.
Maya: Lucy, your dad's in everything!
Zelda: The game has no real special ending....but overall, it's a fun yet forgetable Mega Man sports game. May be why no one talks about this so much....
Lucy: Eh...it's okay...
Maya: Well anyway, Happy New year everyone! Hope to see some great games in the future!
Episode 16: Atari Jaguar (COMPLETED)
Zelda: Well it's time to look at another console....this time, it's Atari...
Lucy: Oh Atari... Missile Command...Centepede...such classics from the pre-Nintendo era...
Zelda: It's been for us for a long time, and has a long line of consoles. Though some....not as successful as the original. And that especially holds true for their last console....
Lucy: ...The Atari 7800?
Zelda: Nope. The Atari Jaguar.
Maya: A Jaguar?
Lucy: A system after an animal?
Zelda: It was supposed to be the very first 64-bit game console....but it ended up being A PIECE OF FUCKIN SHIT!!
Lucy: Careful now...don't lose all of your bleep points just yet...Maya: (pulls it out) This is a 64-bit console?
Zelda: Yup. Not as good looking as the other Atari consoles.
Lucy: Looks like a really bad attempt to stand out from the Genesis and the Super Nintendo...
Zelda: Believe it or not....it was...
Lucy: Uhh...well, guess we should take a look... -picks up a controller- This things are so bulky! Why would you need this number pad? -tries to press them and push around the d-pad at the same time- It's a stretch for my hand...
Zelda: Now this was also on the Atari 5200 and some other old consoles...but those were in the early 80's. This was in 1993.
Maya: What was the point of this? And why doesn't this toploader have a door to protect from dust?
Lucy: I guess they thought being different was cool.
Maya: Well...it's not.
Lucy: Either that, or just too darn lazy to be practical.
Zelda: So the games we review, we'll be focusing not just on the gameplay, but also the graphics, just to see if this shit really is that 64-bit!
Lucy: What is with all of these "bits" anyway?
Zelda: At the time, that's all gamers cared about, whether how the game looked rather than played. Blame Sega Genesis in-your-face campaign to the NES for that...
Lucy: -sighs- Lovely...Zelda: First let's look at Zool 2. Originally on the Commodore Amiga, this is the last game of a long-lost mascot. (puts it in)
Lucy: Oh boy...
Zelda: The game is really fun. You can play as Zool, or his new partner, Zooz.
Maya: Not a bad game, but the graphics....they're no better than Sonic the Hedgehog...which was 16-bit!
Lucy: Um...okay...so where did the other 44 bits go?
Zelda: Well, the Atari Jaguar did have some 32-bit processors and put in a few other stuff in that soemhow added up to 64-bit.....I don't get it either....
Lucy: If that's the case, it'd probably be hard to program to even get that 64-bit look.Zelda: Next let's try Alien vs Predator. (puts it in)
Lucy: Well, this isn't terribly bad...
Maya: The graphics are....alright..the Alien gets to swipe people with its tail and arm and then cocoon them.
Lucy: Hmm...it seems that the Marine is the only ranged fighter...
Zelda: The Predator can sneak up on people, but the game encourages you to do it honorably....fun game though.
Lucy: Yeah...Zelda: Now this is a fun game...Tempest 2000! (puts it in)
Lucy: Like the 2600 game?
Zelda: Sort of. But so much fun. Great graphics, and an awesome soundtrack!
Lucy: What about that monster that's on the cover? Is that a boss or something?
Zelda: I....don't think so...
Lucy: Huh...Zelda: Next we have "White Men Can't Jump"......oh jesus...(puts it in)
Zelda: It's actually based off the movie of the same name. Despite not having Billy and Sidney in it at all!
Maya: These graphics are terrible, and the gameplay is even worse!
Lucy: ...64? Um...Mega Man X6 looked better than this...this just looks like someone tossed vomit onto the pavement and left it there...
Zelda: Hell yeah. X6 is WAAAAY better than this! It also included a peripheral that allowed up to four players to play it. But good luck trying to find 4 players to play this piece of fuck!
Lucy: I don't even want to play this...ew...I'll puke before I score...Zelda; Alright, next is a pretty rare Jaguar game, Atari Karts. (puts it in)
Maya: Another kart racing game....looks a lot like Super Mario Kart. The graphics are just barely better than Mario Kart too.
Lucy: Quite a relief from the last game.
Zelda: The differences are that the powerups don't help you attack your rivals, and they're so small they're hard to even see!
Maya: And who are all these guys? Aside from Bentley Bear, I don't recognize any of these characters at all!
Lucy: ...No effort. I see no effort in these things.
Zelda: It's still fun....but...yeah. NEXT!!
Maya: (hands her Kasumi Ninja)Zelda:....I hate you now. (puts it in)
Lucy: Oh no... Anything like Ninja Gaiden and we're all screwed...
Zelda: Actually, it's a Mortal Kombat clone....and it sucks!
Lucy: ...I don't get this at all.
Zelda: You only play as two bland characters in one-player mode. It almost feels like a satircal version of Mortal Kombat, for over-the-top Fatalities and special moves. Most notably this Scottish dude that shoots fireballs from underneath his skirt.....I wish I were making that up.....
Lucy: ...That would hurt...Zelda: Well now let's look at Doom. (puts it in)
Lucy: Oh...this one...
Zelda: Graphically, this is the most superior of all the versions, and it comes closest to the PC version! Only problem....no music at all!
Lucy: Guess it's creepier or scarier that way...
Maya: Yeah...but it'd still be nice tio have the option...
Lucy: Well...there are alternatives, right? Just put on some death metal and you're set.
Maya: Good point....Zelda: Next we have Supercross 3D....(puts it in)
Maya: Oh my god, that looks absolutly terrible!
Lucy: Polygons incoming!
Zelda: And the framerate is just so awful, not even mother would accept it if we cussed her in this!
Maya: Ugh...NEXT!!Zelda: Alright, let's try Checkered Flag. (puts it in)
Lucy: Another racing game...?
Zelda: And it sucks. Graphic-wise, it looks really nice. But it is very bad, compared to Virtua Racing on Genesis.
Maya: 38-bits less, but a million times more playable and appealing!
Zelda: Really sad that the Atari Lynx version of this game is better!
Lucy: I think Atari tried too hard...Zelda: Next we have....Attack of the Mutant Penguins....(puts it in)
Maya: I...don't even--
Zelda: It's....really wierd....play it to try to figure it out....(gives the controller to Lucy)
Lucy: Um...okay... -tries to play, but the machine goes ape and she loses- Dang it! This is worse than Cheetahmen!
Zelda: This game....it's just so weird I can't even begin to describe it....
Lucy: I don't even know what I'm supposed to do...
Zelda: Basically you have to like keep these mutant penguins from going into the doom scale. You hit 'em with a baseball bat, by getting letters taht spell the word bat. You get those inside treasure chests that can only be opened with gremlins. But it explodes when it opens. And (takes a good 10 minutes to explain everything)
Maya: Whoa....so confusing my head is spinning...
Lucy: -lying down flat on the floor- Uuuuugh...too confusing to even play...Zelda: Alright, this episode's getting out of hand, so let's just check out one more game. Cybermorph.
Lucy: Sounds like it has something to do with cyberspace...
Maya: NOT SPACE!!!
Lucy: Oh no, a Star Fox rip...
Zelda: And it looks and plays like crap. The texture is terrible and things just pop up out of nowhere, giving you no time to react!
Lucy: Ugh, terrible draw distance...
Maya: Everytime you do something, either get something, shoot something, or crash into walls, this green face pops up! And it's annoying!
"Where did you learn to fly?" "Avoid the ground" "Well done" (repeats this over and over)
Lucy: ...GAAAAAAHHH!! THAT'S SO ANNOYING!!! -about to spin dash all over the place-
Lucy: WAAAAAAAAHHH!!! -bounces all over the place- SO ANNOYIIIIING!!
Zelda: Well taht's it for the Jaguar....but we aren't done, because next episode, we're looking at the last line in Atari's home console defense....
TO BE CONCLUDED....
Episode 17: Atari Jaguar CD (COMPLETED)
Zelda: Last episode, we took a look at the Atari Jaguar. It was....yeah, it sucked.
Lucy: AAAGH! Stupidest thing, ev-ah!!
Zelda: Y'know the worst thing? It's got a CD add-on!
Lucy: WHAAAAAAT?!?! You have got to be kidding me!Zelda: Yeah. The Jaguar CD. A CD add-on. You pit it on the top of the Jaguar...
Maya: Wow....it looks like a toilet now...
Lucy: ...I'd rather have a console on life support than one that looks like a toilet...
Zelda: Speaking of that, most times this thing won't work. It has many faulty mechanical problems. Sometimes I have to hit the console hard to get it to work.
Lucy: Oh, that's just great! A toilet that doesn't work until you smack it with a jackhammer!
Maya: Even more, like the Sega Genesis add-ons, this thing has its own power adaptor! Beautiful!
Lucy: Why have those?! Having the plug on the box is so stupid! Use normal plugs, please!! And I don't understand why they're even needed, it's an add-on, shouldn't it be able to run off of the original system's power itself?! UGH!!
Zelda: Only 12 games were released for this thing, so let's take a look...
Maya: We already talked about Primal Rage and Dragon's Lair, so that's out. The only thing different from this version to the 3DO version of Primal Rage is shorter load times. Thank goodness.
Lucy: Eh...Zelda: First we have Baldies. (puts it in)
Maya: this was originally an Atari Jaguar CD exclusive, but it later got ported to other consoles....
Lucy: Well then...
Zelda: This is just....so weird....I just...
Zelda: It's supposed to be a strategy game with bald people at war...the FMV's are shit...it's just....what the....
Lucy: Umm...Zelda: Fuck this. Next we got Battlemorph. It's a sequel to Cybermorph. (puts it in)
Maya: Oh Chaos, help us all...
Lucy: ...WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO FLY...? GAAHAAAAA....
Blue face: Good luck.
Lucy: Ugh...at least it's not so annoying in what it says...
Zelda: Graphics are really good, and the gameplay is a THOSAND times better than Cybermorph!
Maya: This is....surprisingly good, for its time....
Lucy: ...Yeah...Zelda: Next we have Blue Lightning, originally released on the Atari Lynx. (puts it in)
Maya: Man...these are some mediocre FMV graphics...it's kinda overkill...
Zelda: The gameplay is pretty bland. Just shoot and shoot. You'll barely even get hit. The game plays like After Burner....but not as good.
Lucy: General rips of the Jaguar...
Maya: Eh...it's really bland and dumb....
Lucy: Like other Jaguar games?Maya: Good point. Anyway, next we have another FMV cartoon game, Space Ace--oh DAMMIT!! (cries)
Lucy: ANOTHER space shooter?!
Zelda: Not exactly....
Lucy: Then what is it?
Zelda: Made by the same people as Dragon's Lair...with AWFUL voice acting. Similar premise and..yeah.
Lucy: Great...Zelda: Next we have Hover Strike: Unconquered Lands. (puts it in)
Lucy: ...Sounds like yet anothe--
Maya: No space? YAY!!!!
Zelda: Is it terrible? No. Is it great? No.
Lucy: It is "meh"...like the rest of these half-decent games...
Zelda: I just find it hard what to do....
Lucy: Yeah, because the game is just as descriptive as desert air!
Maya: I just....don't get this....
Lucy: The game isn't helping you understand either...
Maya: Can we just have one more? I'm losing my patience....Zelda: Fine, let's skip to the main event....Highlander...(puts it in)
Lucy: Oh no... Sounds like a skirmish between my dad and Esmeralda's dad...
Maya: Except without an idiot.
Knuckles: SHUT UP!!
Zelda: It's based off the TV show of the same name and.....ugh....
Lucy: Great... When a video game is made off of a TV show, you know it's not going to look good.
Zelda: It's basically like survival horror games like Resident Evil and Alone in the Dark...but done horribly!
Lucy: ...What is even going on? No Heads-Up Display?
Zelda: Awkward attacking, bad camera changes, and.....oh my god, it's....can't describe it! The controls are so horrible that--
Maya: FORGET IT!! I'm done! That's it! That's the Jaguar CD for ya!Zelda: After this, Atari moved down the being third-party developers and chose not to make any more consoles. Today, the Jaguar consoles are now used as dental cameras.
Maya: Wait what?
Zelda: (pulls out a picture of one, seen to the right) See?
Lucy: ...I hope I never get a cavaty.
Zelda: Well that was the Atari Jaguar. A big flop, but next time we're gonna do a redo of a certain episode we....could've done better.....
Episode 18: Fantasia: Complete Mix (COMPLETED)
Zelda: You may all remember Fantasia as the very first game we reviewed, but I wasn't too proud of it. We barely got through the first level, so let's finish the game. (puts it in)
Maya: I hate you all....
Zelda: We've already talked about how bad the controls and music are, the irratic patterns of the platforms. And also the whole holding down to jump on enemies, but I realized later that Castle of Illusion had the same thing. Only one problem: CASTLE OF ILLUSION WAS A GOOD FUCKING GAME!!
Maya: Didn't have all this dumb shit like irratic moving platforms, moonjumping mechanics, weaponry starvation, or music so awful ya wanna rape your own eardrums with a chainsaw!!
Lucy: Let's not forget the bullcrap teleportation that sends you back to an earlier point in the level, or the fact if you don't collect enough notes, you GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF THE DAMN LEVEL!!
Zelda: I wasn't expecting to be handed these notes, but goddamn they hid these things! Most of the time they're hidden by items or foreground which irritates the shit outta me!
Maya: Plus there's bonus rooms which extra notes. In one of these, it's hidden by a corral, which you need to take damage from to get. But that's only the beginning...
Lucy: Just the beginning! Ugh, take it away, Zelda!
Zelda: Another bonus level has you trying to dodge the entire cosmos for a few health points, and another one where you need to backtrack to get the note. Another one has lots of dumb invisible walls. There's only three other levels after the first, so disappointingly, it's short.
Maya: Even worse, level 3......is a jumping stage. Let me repeat that for you. A jumping stage in a game with jumping controls that suck hybrid cock.
Zelda: You would know, you do it more times than us.
Maya: (blushes, looks guilty)...SHUT UP!
Lucy: But why would you say that as if it's a bad thing, when you obviously like it?
Maya: Oh, ha ha! You're so funny....
Lucy: It's funny 'cuz it's true~
Zelda: Anyway. The platforming is terrible, getting through this stage is a miracle! But then there's the bonus stage....
Maya: Oh! My! God! What! A! Fucking! TRAINWRECK!!...Take it away, Lucy!
Lucy: Oh, damn... It's a vertical stage...where you need to jump. Correction: where you need to jump when the jumping in this game is utter horse crap!
Zelda: The best way to get up and up, is using the bubbles, but they move too fast while you're trying to get in the bubbles. And these bubbles don't protect you from enemy projectiles. And unless you've been really farming for magic spells, you're probably all out right now. And there's no checkpoints either, so when you die, you have to start from the very bottom, all again, AND PLEASE SOMEONE GET MAYA'S SLAGGY BOYFRIEND TO GAUGE MY EYES AND EARS OUT WITH A MOUSETRAP YOU NO GOOD PIECE OF--
(TECHNICAL ERRORS, PLEASE STAND BY....)
After a while....
Zelda: (panting, trying to calm down)
Lucy: Funny thing is, he'd probably do it too.
Zelda: Okay....one last level....bald mountain!
Lucy: ...Looks like hell.
Zelda: That's the whole point....but it's almost over, we're standing on Chernabog's hand! That means we can fight him--....what?
Lucy: ...Huh? ...Um...I...don't even...get this... -dramatically epic facepalm-
(Mickey and the conductor shake hands)
Maya: Not a single boss fight? That is the most anti-climatic ending to any game I have ever seen!!
Lucy: ...No reward...whatsoever...
Zelda: And no satisfaction...but that's Fantasia...just fuck it.
Lucy: That would be giving the game satisfaction, Maya would know. I say burn it.
Maya:......(throws it out the window and blasts it white light)
Episode 19: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (COMPLETED)
Zelda: Whaddya get when ya put a real book and make them into a game? Most times, like most other sorts of game adaptations, they get turned to dogshit!
Lucy: If you don't know what you're doing, and take a flippin' novel you'd read in English class! Oh wait, that's pretty much the same thing.Zelda: That sadly holds true to The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. This book is an absolutely amazing read. It had great adventures, classy story-telling and humor, and made you actually feel for the characters. So how could you fuck it up?....Let's find out. (puts it in)
Zelda: The plot is that Tom Sawyer falls asleep during class. That's it. In this dream--being the imaginative kid Tom is--he dreams that he goes through six dumb worlds of epolepticness to save Becky Thatcher from Injun Joe.
Maya: So the first level and you notice the game looks like garbage. The graphics and music are just beyond awful, even fro NES standards.
Tom Sawyer: (touches a pirate and dies)
Zelda: Yup, it's one of those games. No health bar, no checkpoints. You get hit once, you die and gotta go all the way back to the beginning. You get these T's, which are like coins, and if you're lucky, you can get this slingshot weapon, which shoots straight.
Maya: But your main weapon...is a rock. And it arcs over nearly everything. So unless ya have good timing or aim, you are gonna miss your target a lot.
Lucy: ...Infinite ammo, at least?
Zelda: Aside from the clunky controls that get delayed a bit, and the boring gameplay and graphics....this game, is a joke.
Lucy: ...You're joking, right?
Zelda: The game is absolutely too damn easy. Yes, your weapons arcs over everything so aiming takes a while to get used to, but everything else is a fucking cakewalk! The bosses and mini-bosses represent that to a par.
Lucy: Ugh...this is just too lame to look at...
Maya: The first level boss....can go down easier than anyone. You don't even need to move at all! That is pathetic!
Zelda: The second level, you're rafting on the Mississipi River. It's a lot like a flying game, so at least they added some variety.
Lucy: Still terrible to look at...
Zelda: When you jump, the raft doesn't follow you, so you have to make sure to hit at least one pixel of the raft or you're dead. And this croc thing is pitifully easy.
Maya: Level 3, you're in the forest. And towards the end, you have all these dumb monkeys flying all around at ya killing you before you can say "monkey fuck"!
Lucy: I think this game's going to put me to sleep...
Maya: Watch this boss....(sarcastically) Remember that scene from the book where six monkeys combined to form a giant purple ape? That was some shit right there.
Lucy: Idiots, idiots, and more idiots. I wonder what English teachers would say about the meaning behind that? Teamwork, anyone?
Zelda: The fourth level is a haunted house. At this point, they started running out of ideas.
Lucy: The didn't have any to begin with!
Maya: Pitiful boss, abnd we are at the cloud sky stage, which has some creatve ideas like this balloon that you can travel with, which is good to skip all the dumb enemies that come at you...
Zelda: Except at one point, a baby dragon comes out and charges at you! How is anyone supposed to know to get out of the way before it happens?
Lucy: Here's an idea -- you don't.
Maya: The boss of this level is...take a wild guess.
Lucy: Something stupid.
Zelda: A pegasus?
Maya: No. A giant phoenix capable of eating your own shit? No. The boss....is a blimp.
Zelda: (drinks up in disbelief) A fucking game based on a novel set in the 1800's has a boss which is a vessel never built until the 1920's!
Lucy: Breaking continuity, much?
Zelda: I am...at a loss of words.
Maya: One more level, thank fucking god, and its underground...
Zelda: So finally, we reach Injun Joe -- riding a brontosaurus.......why not?
Lucy: Not just any brotosaurus, it looks like its depressed.
Zelda: This battle....is as easy as the rest. Just keep wailing on him and he'll never get to hit you. Anyway, ya rescue Becky Thatcher....and she looks really too much like Princess Peach.
Lucy: So much Mario...not even kidding...
Maya: The ending shot is of Tom waking up realizing it was a dream....
(the screen shows three of Injun Joe's feathers)
Zelda: Well, this was a disgrace. Absolutely terrible way to port a great novel to the NES! Too damn easy, too boring, and not worth your time.
Lucy: ...And why did I stay awake through this? I should've fallen asleep...
Maya: Tell me about it...
Lucy: I think I'll take a nap even...
Episode 20: The Legend of Zelda Timeline (COMPLETED)
Zelda: For this one, we won't exactly be playing much games. Instead, we'll try to look at something else...
Lucy: Like what?
Zelda: The timeline for The Legend of Zelda games. Why?....because I feel like it!
Lucy: ...You have your own titled games?
Zelda:....Lucy. I discussed this with Maya. The Zelda in those games is not me!
Lucy: -giggles- Where's your Link?
Zelda: Stop it!
Lucy: Heehee... -gives an innocent look-
Zelda: Anyway, the Legend of Zelda series is a popular Nintendo franchise, which has a more....how do I put this? Complex plot.
Lucy: Complex, how?
Zelda: Well, the first two games--The Legend of Zelda and Zelda II: The Adventure of Link--were in a simple pattern, and the next one, A Link to the Past, was a prequel to the original game. But then, it began to become bombarded with so many games, many of which try to tie each other together but it was all too confusing to follow, given the circumstances!
Maya: Most fans tried to make their own theories of the proper placing of the events, but it got a mess...
Lucy: So...after A Link to the Past, it just became a convoluted mess of paradoxes?Zelda: Pretty much. But thanks to the Hyrule Historia book released quite recently, we can finally explain and try to understand this mess of a franchise
Lucy: Okay, so what does it say?
Maya: The universe began with gods of Hyrule and (goes on a rambling)
Lucy: ...It...still sounds like a mess...just them trying to make sense of their own stuff...
Zelda: So skipping all that, the first in the timeline The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, one of the more recent games. In this one, Zelda and Link are both students that live in the sky.
Zelda: Link goes on a quest to save Skyloft of Ghirahim and his master, Demise. After he's beaten, the land created by the Goddess, Hylia becomes Hyrule.
Maya: Which leads us into the series where there are multiple Links and Zeldas--like this one...
Zelda: That leads us into The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap. Here a guy named Vaati breaks a seal that unleashes monsters into Hyrule and Zelda is turned into stone.
Maya: So Link has a mini-cap and has to stop him?
Lucy: Um...so a hat that looks like can talk...um...uh...okay? I'd rather have a talking sword...
Zelda: After all this, Vaati is beaten and is banished to another realm, where he steals fair maidens. The next place in the timeline is Four Swords. Vaati kidnaps Zelda, and Link takes a sword which splits him into four of him.
Lucy: Oh no Zelda, how can you decide?
Zelda: (looks back) Not funny.
Lucy: You have to admit, that was a well-placed pun.
Zelda: Whatever. But....now here comes when things get really really confusing....
Lucy; Oh no...what now?
Zelda: It's time for Ocarina of Time.
Lucy: What? That's a great game! How is it confusing?
Zelda: In the end, Zelda and Link beat Ganon, sealing him away and Link is returned to back when he was a kid to relive his lost childhood, splitting the timeline in two.
Maya: According to this, there was also a third timeline where Ganon beats Link and rules the world.....oh boy, so now we're into three timelines....
Lucy: Oh no... So...Child Link, Adult Link...and...? Dead Link?
Zelda: Fallen Hero actually. So the first in that timeline is A Link to the Past.
Lucy: ...Guess that makes sense?
Zelda: So a sorceror named Agahnim is trying to find 7 maidens to break the seal of Ganon, and Zelda's the last one. So Link has to keep her safe as well as save the other six maidens, and the lifes of the Hyrule King and Link's uncle.
Lucy: Gee, I think he needs more people to be responsible for.
Maya: Turns out that Agahnim is Ganon's alter ego, but we beat him.
Zelda: Next up is two Game Boy Color games: Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages. They both take place after one another, so I figure we do them both.
Lucy: ...Wait, what? They come after one another? How does that work?
Zelda: No idea. So Ganon's mom, Twinrova, needs three specific flames in order to bring him back. Two of them are found in Holodrum and Labrynna, which Link needs to journey to. Though he wins, the villains manage to obtain them.
Maya: Twinrova then steals Zelda to get the third one and sacrifice herself, but Ganon just turns into a mindless beast since the spell wasn't finished. So he's easily beaten, leading us to Link's Awakening on the Game Boy.
Lucy: ...I'm confused...
Zelda: So on the way home to Hyrule, Link's ship is taken out in a storm and he washes ashore onto the island of Koholint and found by a Zelda lookalike named Marin.
Zelda: Turns out that while she's real, nothing else is. You're on a dream island, and have to get eight instruments and play a song to get off the island, after which everything disappears as if it never existed.
Lucy: ...My brain's starting to hurt...
Zelda: That's what trying to arrange the Zelda timeline before official arrangement will do to ya. So Link gets off, and Marin also escapes, turning into a seagull....don't ask.
Maya: Next is the recently released, Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds. It's an indirect sequel to Link to the Past, but you're in a place called Lorule.....get it? Hyrule, Lorule?.....(sighs and facepalms)
Lucy: Uuuuugh... Okay? Moving on?
Zelda: So Princess Hilda wants the Triforce to be restored to her world, and Link defeats her subjects. The world is restored later and....yeah.
Lucy: ...So he did absolutely nothing.
Zelda: He made a wish for Lorule to be restored. It's a recent game, cut me some slack.
Lucy: Meh...it just doesn't make sense...whatever.
Zelda: Anyway, last two games in this timeline are the original games. Legend of Zelda, and Zelda II: The Adventure of Link on the NES.
Lucy: ...My brain has been violated...it's so sore...ow...
Zelda: The original was a masterpiece, though the sequel has....mixed feelings among fans. So now we move on to the Child Link timeline, which starts with Majora's Mask.
Lucy: Alright...so...what's up with that?
Zelda: On his way to find his partner, Link heads to Termina, where the Skull Kid finds Majora's Mask, and the place is suffering armageddon. The Moon is gonna crash into the town.
Zelda: It turns out the Majora's Mask was a curse by the demon Majora. Link saves the world, and we move on to....Twilight Princess. Oh boy.
Zelda: When Ganondorf was about to be killed, he used the Triforce to get out of death and was banished to the Twilight Realm, where he encountered Zant, who transformed the Twilight Princess, Midna, into an imp and seized control.
Lucy: Okay...really starting to get outta control, what?
Zelda: It gets better. Zant turns Link into a werewolf.
Lucy: -holding her head- ...My brain's so sore right now...ow...
Maya: Well Ganondorf's done for good, which takes us to Four Swords Adventures.
Lucy: Four Swords...? Oh no...not them...
Zelda: Ganon up to no good, he brings Vaati back and....yeah, cut and paste. Finally, the Adult Link Timeline, what happens after Link goes back to relive his childhood.
Maya: Well now Hyrule is sunk under a flood, which leads to Wind Waker.
Lucy: Great...so Link builds an Ark?
Zelda: No, he has a small boat and befirends the pirate Tetra, and he goes to the seas to save his little sister. What makes this game unique is how cartoonish the style is...
Lucy: Eh...it even tops Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask in that catagory...
Maya: So it turns out Tetra is an alter-ego of Zelda. So we stop Ganon and set a new world, with The Phantom Hourglass.
Zelda: Tetra is captured and Link teams with a pirate named Linebeck to rescue her.
Zelda: No, Linebeck!
Lucy: -giggles- So weird...
Zelda: And at last we have Spirit Tracks, which takes place on a train.....okay this episode is getting out of hand, so before this turns into a review of all the games at once, we should end it now. We'll probably review some of these games in later seasons, but I just wanted to talk about the Zelda timeline and get it all cleared up.
Lucy: Something strange about Twilight Princess though...what about the Hero's Shade? Wasn't it confirmed to be the spirit of the Hero of Time?
Zelda: As a matter of fact it is. I guess all the Link's and all the Zelda's are descendants and ancestors of one another.....nah, I think we're looking too deep into this.
Lucy: Since it's the "invasion of the dark" or something like that...could it be that it crossed timelines with that invasion? ...Not likely...
Zelda; Well tune in to Season 2, because we'll be looking at three specific games not seen in this timeline! See ya then!